Don’t let anybody ’should’ on you
I have just returned from visiting another lovely, intelligent mother who is doing a wonderful job with her baby, but is convinced she must be doing ‘everything wrong’. She feels guilty that she has messed up her baby’s early days (she hasn’t at all!); she feels inadequate because (she thinks) she can’t read her baby’s cues (she is making perfect eye-contact with her baby - their connection is like a lovers’ gaze and as we talk, she intuitively comforts her baby or changes his position at the slightest grimace or squirm); she feels guilty that she has stressed her baby about feeding. The baby was refusing to breastfeed after some inappropriate advice and now the mum is beating up on herself for listening to the advice that made things more difficult. But really, what choice did she have? Her baby was unsettled (as newborns often are), so what desperate, sleep deprived mother wouldn’t be ready to grasp at whatever straw was being offered if it sounded reasonable at the time – or was being offered by somebody who seemed more experienced about babies than a brand new mum?
Sadly, this isn’t an isolated incident. Almost every day lately, I seem to be visiting or speaking to beautiful attuned mothers who are totally confused and convinced that they are ‘bad mothers’ or that they are failing their babies in some way or another.
It seems that everybody has been at these women, telling them they are ‘doing it wrong’ or not following ‘the rules’, depending on what rules their critic thinks they should follow or which book they have slavishly been trying to follow ( which, of course, came highly recommended by a friend or acquaintance who found it worked for their baby). In the vulnerable state of new mummy-hood, these formerly competent woman are feeling overwhelmed enough by their new life (the little one in their arms most of the day, that is) without also being undermined as they struggle to nurture their babies with the very best intent - to be the best mothers they can be.
While it is great to be informed - to read, to ask questions and to watch what other parents do with their children - it is also important to remember that each baby is different and every family is unique. When you try to follow a single, one sized set of rules, and it doesn’t apply to your individual baby, it can do your head in. It is also important to bear in mind that what may have seemed perfectly logical before you actually met your baby, may not feel right now. This doesn’t mean you have lost the plot or ‘given in’ especially if you find yourself being less ‘organised’ than you had planned to be. As well as a whole new job spec, you have a new set of hormones to work with. These are actually nature’s tools - these ‘new mummy’ hormones help you feel responsive towards your baby and this is why you feel confused as you take on advice from the lady next door, your best friend or the lady in the supermarket (who advised one couple, “if she cries, don’t pick her up!” even though the baby was perfectly content in her pram at the time), especially if it involves dire warnings about spoiling your baby.
Instead of stressing about what you ‘should’ be doing with your baby, remind yourself that the cuddle police won’t come knocking on your door: hold your baby in your arms and look deeply into those dark navy blue eyes. As you spend time talking and listening to your little one, you will become aware of his language and you will become skilled at communicating. As this happens, you will naturally develop confidence – that you are the expert about your baby.
Great advice, as always.
We really should be encouraging mums to listen to their baby and always to trust their instincts. What works for one baby may not work for another, you really just have to do what feels right for you and your baby.
Its also important as Mums to pass on advice as something that can be taken or left. Just because it worked for us we shouldn’t be so arrogant to think that it is the only way. Gentle advice is great but also instilling confidence in our fellow mothers is extremely important.
I totally agree, I love to hear other people’s opinions, ideas and suggestions, but I want to decide whether it’s right for my child. They don’t know all the things I know, I’m my bub’s mum, I’m responsible for my bub, so I’d rather have the final say on their upbringing.
I too was OBSESSED with doing what was “right” and it is only now with a 6 month old Bub, that I am beginning to understand that there is absolutely no “right” except what is right for you (and you have NO IDEA what that is at the tine!). The wealth of information on newborn babycare is invaluable to us new Mum’s (many with established careers who are used to having a set of processes and guidelines to follow) but trying to get it “right” every tine did me far more harm than good. Having said that, I also struggled with the advice to “tune in”to what my child needed/wanted. For me, finding one or two people who I trusted and respected (friends/midwives or similar - my Mum isn’t around anymore which made it even harder to reach out for help) and following their supportive lead was, eventually, what helped me to establish my confidence.
Pinky, I love you!
This is definitely the hardest job you’ll ever find, but also the most wonderful and rewarding…. when you stop and listen to yourself and your baby! NOT every stupid person that has an opinion! It is so hard to stay confident in yourself and your ability to be a good mum, it is just wonderful to hear your advice on this, and everything else I have read of yours. You seem to be always on the money… and all it is, is simple, trust and listen to yourself, your baby and nature!
Pinky, great as always! We all remember the sheer terror of those first few months with our first bub, and the usually conflicting advice about what we ’should’ be doing. Maybe we just need to be telling each other to follow our insticts!
learning to nod and smile when someone makes a comment and then do whatever you want is a good thing to learn (funny how I just typed ’should’ though LOL).
How the story of that mother paralleled my own experiences……… and I didn’t know about you then Pinky! How I wish I had!!! However, lucky for me and thank goodness between my very supportive Mum, a wonderful midwife I happened across on the 24 hour MCH line at 5am one desperate morning (who explained her ‘4th trimester skin to skin contact’ approach to me), and some fantastic women at the Mercy Breastfeeding Clinic who helped me understand demand feeding and that such things as my desire for co-sleeping were completely natural, - I was soon re-assured to believe in my instincts and parenting decisions. These women instilled a realization that I was allowed to be as strong and confident with my newborn, (even if it were based on my instinct and what ‘felt right’ rather than ‘experience’), as much as any other ‘experienced’ mother who might have given me the impression that they knew better!
I look back with such mixed feelings of sadness and anger about those first few weeks prior to gaining my confidence. I know now that the aspects of my experience which were ‘not so wonderful’ were due to circumstances, some unfortunate external issues/factors, and conflicting advice which went against my instinct, heart and head. But boy - what I learnt from it all! Prior to giving birth, I would never have known that as a mother I would pine with cold sweats and physical illness when a ‘well meaning helper’ thought it best to ‘take over’ my baby, nurse them while I ‘rested’, suggest alternative feeding methods to what I wanted to do - and confront me with a list of how I ’should’ feel and act as a mother. When all I wanted was to hold my baby, feed my baby and care for her - while the rest of the world just gave me some peace and space to do so. I also learnt that forced physical, emotional and spiritual separation are all very damaging to a Mother - and have great affects on baby too. Fortunately when I had confidence (largely due to the support of all the wonderful women mentioned above) I was able to stand up for both mine and my baby’s rights. I became such a protective lioness!! And guess what - my physical illness was cured by re-connecting with my baby when I was left alone to do so. All this just concretes my belief in instinct and that the best help you can get is to be given glasses of water and some lunch while you are feeding!!
I have just started doing “talks” at new parents group in my local area as part of my role as a mental health clincian. I do a little chat about adjustment to parenthood, emotions and or course watching out for signs and symptoms of PND. “Shoulds” create nothing but thinking errors and stop Mum’s trusting their own judgement. I really encourage Mum’s to focus on what is right for them, their bub and their family.
When I am stressed I read everything on the topic to try and see if I can “solve ” the problem in an educated way. I read so much on sleep when my now 16 month old was younger it actually contradicted itself - and the only material that made any sense was Pinky’s. You know what - he now sleeps through the night, I bravely moved out the matress from his room that I used to “camp” on at times and I have not had to move it back once. He is a bright, bubbly, never stop kid whom I now can’t believe caused so many sleepless nights. Ahh “This to shall pass” thank Pinky.
Pinky you are the voice of reason and understanding when it comes to babies in 2009!
My little one is 10 weeks old and we are working together to help her settle and sleep better. It is not easy fix and it’s a tough journey as a new mum but with patience, trust and instinct I am sure my little one and I will settle to what works for us. ( she is sleeping as I type so something must be working..)
i have been reading your book after i was made to feel i was doing the wrong thing with regards to sleep and settling by a family member even though the last time she had a baby was 35 yrs ago!!!
New mums need to be supported not judged and your books and website give us the confidence to do that….
I’ve been lucky enough to have a gorgeous little girl with a fabulous temperment and who started sleeping mostly through the night early. I know I am truly blessed. But dont get me wrong, we had plenty of moments, arscenic hours and even breast refusal. But we tried to deal with it as relaxed as we could (not always easy) and trust our instincts, as well as the baby’s and know that when she cried, it was because she needed us for something and we responded, even if all we could do was hold her snuggly while she cried. This was against much of the advice we were given. I truly believe this helped to keep bub more relaxed and nurtured the bond we share and the happy toddler she has become. Trust yourself and trust your baby everyone - you know whats best and whats best for someone else may not be right for your situation. There doesn’t have to be a right answer or an answer at all … just be there for them and you will be doing fine. (Oh and this is just my humble opinion, so as with everyone - feel free to disregard this x)
I had so much shoulding when I was breastfeeding that it nearly drove me to despair. My child didn’t gain the expected amount of weight that he “should” gain every 2 weeks to be healthy. He never had a loss but was not meeting the MCHN’s expectations. So, apparently it was my fault for not feeding him properly. I was sent off to a breast clinic.
The breast clinician took 1 look at me feeding my son and promptly ignored us for the rest of the day. My baby was latched on properly and feeding well. I was ignored as there was absolutely no need for me to be there.
My supply was then blamed. He can’t be getting enough milk. I had been expressing milk to determine how much he was drinking and would express then instantly feed him. I gave him a bottle and he took 150ml whereupon I immediately expressed again to see if I had supply issues. I expressed a further 150ml. I could feed my son then express anywhere between 100-200ml unless it was the evening feed where I still managed anywhere up to 100ml so clearly I had an adequate supply.
My mother then decided that my milk must be of poor quality. It seemed I HAD to be the one at fault for my sons lack of weight gain. There HAD to be blame apportioned.
In the end my son solved the issue by gaining in 1 week over 200g in weight and they then all finally got off my case.
I’m currently expecting in under 6 weeks and as long as my baby is gaining weight and I have sufficient milk, I will be trusting my instincts and ignoring advice unless I believe it’s warranted and works for me.
The only “should” I personally believe is useful for mums is that they “should” believe in themselves.