Who is your cheering squad?
Every day I see wonderful mothers doing a lovely job nurturing their little ones but so many of these women doubt themselves as they face criticism for their parenting choices, especially if they happen to have a high needs baby.
Even though - or perhaps, especially when - it seems that you are the only person whose baby only sleeps for moments, or cries when he isn’t being held, or isn’t easily soothed or is easily over-stimulated, take heart: you really aren’t the only person who is having a difficult time. Sadly though, there is a conspiracy of silence around what babies REALLY do and how mothers REALLy feel - very stressed, often isolated and much of the time, inadequate.
This is why it really is important to find yourself a support group or at least a few likeminded people who will tell you that you are doing a fabulous job and that you WILL survive.
Just yesterday I spoke to a mother on the phone who was feeling totally undermined by advice from family, friends and virtual strangers, including her mothers’ group. I reassured this mum - who was doing a wonderful job with a high needs/ reflux baby that she hadnt ‘created bad habits’ and wouldn’t have a child with ‘behaviour problems’ ( her wee one is only 3 months old so hardly on the road to delinquincy!) because she was holding him too much/ not leaving him to cry to ‘teach’ him to sleep ( as though crying teaches anybody anything other than to ‘give up’!). I also suggested that this mum desperately needed to find a cheering squad - others who would support her parenting choices or, at the very least,mind their own business. I told her, as I tell all mothers, “if they aren’t bringing casseroles or offering to do an ‘overnighter’, then they have no right to criticise. And you have no obligation to listen to them.” One place I suggested this mum might find support was the Australian Breastfeeding Association. This seemed fairly daunting because she is a country mum with quite a distance to tarvel to her nearest group meeting.
But, today this mum emailed me and here is a part of what she wrote:
“We spoke on the phone yesterday evening about my little bub and her sleep. Your encouragement and reassurance was just the tonic I needed, and I ended up changing my plans today so that I could go to the ABA meeting for the first time. It was fantastic and there were several women with high-needs bubs with very similar stories to mine (their kids are a bit older than XXX and they survived!) who share the same compassionate philosophy - as you said they would. I made friends with some lovely ladies who live just around the corner (a big thing when living in a relatively isolated area) - and have been told to pop in for a cuppa anytime. I’ve taken comfort from yours and their experiences and can fully relax in the knowledge that things will happen in their own time. I cannot tell you what a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders in the past 24 hours. I feel like I can just enjoy XXXX now, trust my instincts and go for it!
So, to all you mums sitting at home feeling as though you are ‘the only one’ holding and rocking and soothing a high needs baby or, in fact, any baby (becoming a mother is a HUGE life change!), please come out of your closet and find your cheering squad. I promise, it will boost your confidence and your sense of self. Go on, pick up the phone and get out there ‘face to face’ with other people who will support you.
Love, laugh enjoy and, above all be as kind to yourself and your beloved as you are to your baby,
pinky www.pinkymckay.com.au
Pinky!
Your a Gem to every mother out there!
I first met you when you came to my home nearly 18months ago to teach hubby and I about baby massage! I have read nearly all your books and refer back to them often (probably weekly to be honest!) for that boost I need simply to be able to trust and follow my instincts as a Mummy when everyone else frowns or judges the parenting choices I have made and are making…
My biggest ‘Thing’ has been sleeping! - I co-slept from the day that my son was born - I hadn’t planned it that way but after birthing my baby at home it just seemed to be the right thing to do - crawl up into my bed and snuggle in with him - and that was the way it stayed for a long time. Only recently has my son started sleeping in his ‘big boy’ cot (he is 18 months now) and after so many many months of people (family , friends . health nurses etc etc) telling me I “shouldn’t be sleeping with him” - “he will never get off the boob” etc etc , oh and I “most certainly shouldn’t be breastfeeding him to sleep - he will never learn to sleep on his own” ..
I just love that I can say I did it . I loved it, I stressed about it when I was criticised about it but I stuck to my guns and now.. on his own my son has started going to sleep alone - after kissing me , waving out to me and laying down in his bed (with absolutely no tears or fear) Its the best feeling in the world. To know I have tended his every need for 18 months and he has made the shift when he was ready! and along with this change… the best one of all for my sanity- He sleeps all night! without any leaving him to cry or that horrible stuff! I wont deny at times - those night wakings sometimes 5 or 6 times were hard.. really hard - 18 months of broken sleep does wear you down! but I’m thrilled I listened to my heart and gave my son the loving he needed to grow in his own time - not to any ’schedule’ that others set - “Oh he should be sleeping through after 6 months”etc.
Now I just hope your books can get me through our next wonderful stage- the Tantrums due to not being able to talk yet! What fun we have at the bench pointing at things and screaming when I don’t get the right cup or the right bit of toast!
I LOVE being a Mummy, Thanks for sharing all or your experiences for us all to learn from! You truly are a GEM!
Hello Pinky,
I am new to this blogging business, so I’m not sure where this is going to end up. I thought I’d leave you a message anyway.
I just want to let you know, as many parents have already that your books are wonderful. Whenever my confidence is down (with raising Andrew who is 10 months old now), I would pick up your ‘Sleeping Like A Baby’ book to remind myself that I am doing a great job. Your ‘Toddler Tactics’ book is wonderful too. Obviously it is not entirely relevant yet, but I find it a good bridge between the two books for Andrew’s age. The first book I feel is more for under 6 month olds.
I buy a copy of your book as presents to any mum and dads of babies/toddlers at any opportunity I can - because they’re the best!
Thank you very much for doing what you do.
Yes, I do agree, having a cheering squad is so important. I wish there are more parents out there who can be honest about what they are feeling. I have ‘friends’ but not many of them feel comfortable talking about the ture insecurities of parenthood…perhaps I have a lot less confidence than they have…perhaps not. I am lucky that I have my husband who reminds me each day that I am doing a great job. It would just be wonderful if I know more people like him.
Until next time…take care and hope this blogging adventure (is it suppose to be for short messages?Oops) takes off for you!
Hi Pinky,
I just read your article on mentors and decided that my mentor is you. You have been such a help since my daughter was born, both through your books and also through email advice. You have been a fantastic mentor. My husband and I refer to you as our guru! I think what you are doing for mums and for society as a whole is fantastic. Thank you and keep up the good work.
Hi Pinky,
Great news…this site is going to be fantastic & popular. I too feel the need to be reassured that my (what I think are…) empathetic, gentle, as loving as I can, responses to my babe are not going to reap a ’spoilt’ ‘demanding’ ‘dependant’ tot, teen, adult, and also a resentful, neglected husband. Fortunately I can ask him & he truely is a wonderful team member, definately on the same page.
My first ABA meeting is the 16th where I’m hoping to meet like minded mums. I’m wondering if there’s a La Leche League here is Aust that I might also contact?
Congratulations on yr two books
Jennifer
Hey Pinky.
Parenting mentors are priceless, golden people that I am so fortunate to have in my life as a Mama of a now 1 year old.
My two very close friends from school had boys within months of each other and I was learning everything with them. Their boys are now almost 3 and I know I can call upon them any time and ask their advice about things I am concerned about, have no clue about, want to know more about, etc, etc when it comes to my little Sacha man.
These friends started off parenting very differently and it was such a great example to me of how many choices we have about how we go about things. I was able to pick and choose and learn for myself and from this experience I created my own style that worked best for me.
I suppose in days gone by from the tribe or small village we were all so much closer in our living to the goings on of others. If it wasn’t for these close friends I would have been flying blind. Instead I felt this confidence that I was going to do an okay job for this new little person with such a great and variety filled support network around me.
Thanks Pinky, I have enjoyed your first blog message!
Love Georgia
Mama to Sacha Gibb, 1 year old last Wednesday.
: )
Congrats on the blog, Pinky!!!
(Better get working on mine a lot more so we can share :))
Great start, well done!
Its sad and frustrating htat so many feel the need to comment, to pass their own fears and inadequacies onto us. I fully appreciate and understand (from personal experience) how isolating and damaging it could be. As a result, I lost those “friends” but also many others in the process.
A cheering squad is an awesome idea! It has a much nicer ring to it than “friendly neighbour who will look after the children so you can go for a walk” or “coffee with some of the other local mums” etc
We can only keep at it, and hope we can encourage mums to support each other, rather than compete, or worse, try to force their ideals onto other Mums.
Well done, Pinky! Look forward to reading more.
Hi,
I have just read your Blog Pinky… and it feels sooo relevant to me. I recently had a month of despair, depression, frustration, anger and fear… i was totally burtnout. I have a beautiful high needs baby… and by 6 months i was tired. I have since had a big talk to my partner and my dear friends at ABA and am feeling much more positive. I really felt that your book “sleeping like a baby” helped me also. It really insipred me and improved my self confidence. It’s now my bible for when i need a boost!
I parent differently to most of my friends, who all use control crying and formula feed. I realise that we all have choices to make and that each mother does the best they can at the time. I find it really challenging and lonely when i feel different to all my friends. I chose to parent my daughter gently and with a lot of love and security. I recently visited one of my friends who’s son is the same age as my daughter and it is clearly visible that they are world apart in their developmental milestones and level of interaction. My daughter is so much more interactive and co-operative. She signs to me if she wants something, she plays games, and is so much more intune with her surrounds. I feel sad for my friends son who doesn’t seem to care whats going on or if the world passes him by. He is used to holding his own bottle in bed and being left to cry…..
So to all the mums out there who chose to parent gently, not control cry, to breastfeed, co-sleep and attend to their baby’s needs and crys PLEASE know that you are wonderful mums and your baby’s will be forever thankful for your love and care.
Thank you Pinky for such wonderful inspiration and kind hearted mentoring!!
I LOVE the cheer squad idea. I had a couple of like minded women here today and I’m not sure if we were ‘cheering’ each other, or simply empathising at what a huge job this mothering lark is! There were certainly plenty of sighs and ‘here we go agains’ as the children fought over what seemed like nothing, and were a high maintenance little crew.
I love that I can call some women in our circle of friends and tell it how it is , even with the pure honesty of tears and a “I am not coping today. please please help!!!!”
Mama 1 - “ggrrrrr…grumble….moan…..whinge……parenting is HARD WORK and I cant deal with the constant 24/7 ‘needy’ babe some days, and just wish that I was on a remote island - alone!!! ”
Mama 2 - “Yes. Hard work. Difficult age. I know how you feel. We do the same stuff over and over most days too. BUT how lucky your child is to have you dealing with this behaviour and not a mama who would just shout louder than he and give him a big hiding every time he did something out of place like that. You are doing a GREAT job and he is lucky to have chosen you to raise him. Let’s go out for coffee tonight - kid free!!”
Ah - cheer squads. I dont think that I would make it through todderhood without them!!!
Hi Pinky,
Hooray a blog. I remember first ringing you when we had our first child 5 years ago last month. You encouraged us to stick with it even though we had a high needs baby who didnt sleep through until he was 2. Goodness me, I thought we would all fall apart but you were there for us with praise and encouragement. We survived and went on to have a low needs baby who turns two this month. Thanks sooooooo much. Keep up the good work we love you!
Pinky, the timing of this blog is impeccable. My amazingly beautiful 8 month old baby boy has challenged me, particularly in the last month when his night waking has increased, rather then end, as I thought/hoped was due to happen by this age. I knew that I could go get him, and bring him into bed with us, and he would fall back to sleep but the ’shoulds’ started to take over. Or rather, the ’should nots!’ Other people’s opinions that he should be sleeping through, or that he shouldn’t be in the bed with us, or that he shouldn’t be breatfeeding during the night anymore would eat away at me in the middle of the night. On top of their advice, I had been given a book when my baby was born by a well-meaning friend.. ‘Save Our Sleep’, by T. Hall, I’ve read it many times and found it useful as a planner for my day (loosely) but could never get my head around the ’self settling’ techniques she advised, and ignored them. Disturbingly, in the middle of those wakeful nights, I felt like i was failing, that perhaps a few nights of terrible tears would end this waking-up cycle and we’d all be better off. There were a couple of nights where I left him to cry, and ended up crying myself, before bringing him to me, holding him tight as he fell asleep. There have been several times when I thought, rationally, mind you, in the daylight, that I would implement those sleeping tactics, because the lack of sleep was making me so tired, emotional and angry, mostly at my very loving and supportive partner. Yet each time, I’d pick up you’re beautiful book, ‘Sleeping Like A Baby’, and remind myself of how I want to care for my child. With each read I felt a surge of confidence boosting my instints as a mother, as a loving, caring, compassionate mother who shudders at my own memories of being left to cry. In the last week, I have stopped the mind games and saved myself. My little boy has snuggled up to me in our bed, and by accepting that that is how it is to be at the moment, I am sleeping better. He still wakes but he is quickly comforted and we fall back to sleep effortlessly. I know I’m doing better because last night as I was preparing to serve dinner I removed a stone-cold casserole from the oven (I swear I turned it on!)… and laughed! Last week, that ‘disaster’ would have ended in tears. This week we had Indian and everyone was happy. Pinky, you have helped me so many times and I thank you. I have such confidence that my boy will be a happy, healthy, loving boy, full of self esteem. He already is. Again, thanks.
Hi Pinky and a big WOO HOO on beginning the blogging journey!
My mentors were the mothers I met through my local ABA group - NMAA back then - and many of these women are still role models to me today, as their children have become adults and begin having families of their own. I relished learning how I wanted to mother by watching others in action. I developed my own ways and my own beliefs in a supported and non-judgemental place where I felt safe. Maybe that is why I am still involved 24 years later!
These days, I guess I am a mentor myself! I don’t see this as anything more than sharing and supporting other women as they enter the motherhood maze. There is no right or wrong, my way or no way. In traditional societies, girls learn mothering as they grow alongside women doing this most remarkable unremarkable role. Our society has so distanced children and child-rearing that we now need to engineer ways for mothers to interact, however is is still that same natural learning taking place.
Thank you Pinky and thank you to all the other mums who have responded to this blog. My son is 10 months old, co-sleeping and waking for a breastfeed about every hour at night. I have started avoiding tell people how his sleep is going because most people have been judgemental about it or have made comments like that there is something wrong with my milk!!!! I started to think last night that I might try implementing some settling techniques because I started to worry that he would never learn to fall asleep without a breastfeed but all that has gone out the window again, yey, and I am feeling great about my gentle, loving parenting. I am the expert on my baby and most of the time I know this, but occassionally just those few negative comments send me into insecurity and thinking I might be doing damage… but I’m not. I am going to look up the ABA website and find out where my local meeting are.
Thank you again you are an amazing inspiration to all mummies. xx
Thanks I needed to read that!
Was starting to feel the pressure from others and was getting so sick of their questions and having to justify myself!
I feel great about how I get my baby to sleep and I am really starting to feel happy and confident again as for a while I was feeling very lost and questioning everything!
I too love my local ABA meetings, the Geelong girls are awesome, it’s worth the reorganising myself to get there!
Patience is the key and Follow your hearts girls! xoxox
Hi Pinky,
I had a cheersquad… but they seem to be dropping away. I have received great support and even congratulations for breastfeeding my boy (now 15 months) for the first 12 months - nurses, doctors, family, friends - everyone - but now lots of people, and even my husband, is starting to say “maybe you should stop”.
I have used the “what to expect” books on pregnancy and the first 12 months, and found them mostly practical and useful… but the one on toddlers is horrible. It has a whole list of “health reasons” to stop breastfeeding at 12 months.
I don’t want to stop. My son doesn’t want to stop. Why is there so much pressure suddenly?
I find it especially useful if T has a cold or other illness and needs special comfort and extra fluids and nourishment.
I thought the WHO recommended breastfeeding to 2 years.
I wish my cheersquad would come back. I’m starting to feel defensive and anxious.
Hey I can relate, people were great until recently, just the last two weeks I have had a few people questioning me how much longer and also why so often….. you know its none of their business and I just have to learn to be strong when I respond and say it the way it is. I have been told by my maternal health nurse that it is two years, and if I choose to do it for longer I am going to be firm with my friends and tell them that I need them to support me in the decisions I make and stop judging me. I am doing what I feel is the best possible for my son and I’m not going to take boob away just because they are opinionated and think they can pass judgement and make me change my parenting because of their values. I too am sick of being anxious and defensive… about a week ago I didn’t feed him whilst in the company of one group because I was afraid that they would start saying things and later I felt completely horrible at putting them ahead of my son (today boob was coming out as often as he wanted it :))My values are different and I am going to follow my heart as best I can.
Thank you for this! Unfortunately my cheer squad (of two) is interstate and we only get to chat occasionally. My pre-baby friends, all with kids of their own now think it’s weird that I still breastfeed my 20 month old son, and even worse that I still feed him to sleep. Apparently feeding him to sleep isn’t allowing him to develop naturally at his own rate. Apparently it’s wrong that he can now ask for ‘boobie’, and his heartfelt ‘pwease, pwease’ is an obvious sign that he’s totally insecure. Sigh.
And it gets harder as the baby gets older. Thankfully it is almost accepted now that tiny babies should be breastfed, and carrying them in a sling is seen as cute. Following suggestions about sleeping (or lack of it) from good attachment parenting books and websites was easy when my son was little, but as he gets older, the pressure to ‘conform’ gets worse. Mmm, he should be sleeping on his own by now. He’s at an age where he should be able to X,Y,Z… And there’s fewer and fewer personal accounts of where to go once you’ve travelled down the loving, caring, attachment line for a while, and now that helpless baby is growing up! Oh, and by almost two years you’ve also made a lot of parenting mistakes (boy, the first baby teaches you so much!) and have the mother-guilt to add to the confusion.
Toddlerhood seems to me to be a teenage time for babies. They aren’t babies, but they aren’t quite children yet. They still need so much closeness and care, but they crave independence.
How do we then transition from comfort feeding and feeding to sleep to being able to settle on his own. I am starting to see some signs. In the middle of the night when I detatch him from a feed, even when he is still restless, he turns to face the wall and dozes off to sleep. He is on his own mattress on the floor in our room. I’m watching him and trying to understand what he needs, but gosh, I need a few more accounts from other Mums saying ‘my child was 2 or 3 or 4 when they outgrew feeding to sleep, and this is how it happened, these were the indicators that they were ready…’ Just so I know I’m not so abnormal after all.
No you are not abnormal at all. You are lovingly taking care of your son and following your heart. I have come to the conclusion that all these people passing judgements and making mums like us uncomfortable have no idea how beautiful it is to have this type of bond. Its actually sad because they are the ones missing out on what its like to wake up with your baby snuggling in your arms every morning and catching that first smile they give you when they wake up, all the skin to skin contact with breastfeeding and the millions of other things that make it so beautiful. I think there is a book somewhere ( I think I read it when I was pregnant) that talked about toddlers breasfeeding and simply choosing themselves when they stopped and it just happened. Just as I am now going to believe that my baby will learn to sleep on his own in his own time and I’m not going to push it. I love co-sleeping and breastfeeding. I think like what Pinky says about being proud of what we do in her “Just a mother?” article, we have to be proud of what we do and discuss it with pride and a sense of knowing that what we are doing is right. I know its hard because I struggle with it all the time but when I say things with strengh and assertiveness I do get a different response…. its just being confident enough to do it I guess! And I know its hard to feel normal when everyone around you is doing the exact opposite with their babies.
Dominika, what a beautiful response to Rebecca - Rebecca, you are doing a wonderful job trusting your little one. He truly will wean and ’self-settle’ in his own time, just as he learnt to walk without you ‘making’ him. As I often say, “he may still like to snuggle up to breasts at 18 - but they won’t be yours!!”
Sounds like you would feel supported by reading Toddler Tactics -I cover nursing toddlers and there are also personal stories of toddlers who weaned themselves .
Many babies still have other ‘comforters’ to sleep - notice all the latest “lovey” type toys with bits of ribbon on for babies to hold as they fall asleep. I am not trying to criticise people who use these but your baby has YOU! Enjoy every cuddle - and treasure the memories - whe he was small, my youngest child told me ” mummy, booby makes me feel brave when I get scared” - this is one of my sweetest memories and so affirming when a wee toddler can express how important nursing is to him.
Hang in there - be strong and perhaps next time people criticise, look them in the eye and smile as you say, “I am sorry you can’t appreciate the beauty of this.”
Pinky