When Daddy does it differently ( and not as well as Mommy)
A father’s place can often feel as though it is ‘in the wrong’, especially if they bear the brunt of an over critical partner when they don’t do things just right. With a new baby though, this isn’t necessarily due to Dad being slap dash. Instead, it can be due to ‘mummy lioness’ hormonal effects that begin brewing even before baby arrives.
During the last trimester of pregnancy, women’s bodies begin to concoct a potent cocktail of hormones that includes oxytocin, the love hormone and prolactin which is often referred to as the ‘mothering hormone’ because it promotes maternal responsiveness. The effects of this ‘chemistry of attachment’ which is boosted by a natural birth and enhanced by breastfeeding, is so well recognised that scientists have labelled it as ‘the motherhood mindset’ or ‘maternal pre-occupation’.
Although this potent ‘mummy margarita’ and the all-consuming nurturing behaviour that it generates is designed for infant survival, it often results in super protective behaviour by mothers that can make fathers feel relegated to the rank of apprentice.
Simply being aware of your biological drive (or your partner’s, if you are a father reading this) to care for your baby, can be enough to help you share parenting without attacking each other or implying that the non-birth partner or other family members, such as grandparents, may somehow ‘mess things up’ if they share care, especially if they do things a little differently.
The downside of excluding fathers from baby care is that if a man feels less than competent, he will most likely disappear to a place where he does feel in charge, such as his workplace. Soon, working late becomes a legitimate excuse for him to avoid confrontation and so a vicious downward spiral of non-involvement with his child begins.
On the other hand, the more involved a father is with little ones, the more his confidence soars and the better his connection with them becomes. And, with a little encouragement and respect, he may even start to do some things ‘your way’.
Please tell us how you encourage your partner to ’share the care’ - or if you are a dad, let us know how you feel when she criticises - and what you do. The best three responses will each win a copy of Pinky’s Baby Massage DVD - or, if you have an older child, a copy of Toddler Tactics. Winners will be decided on Sunday - Happy Fathers Day!
For more about your amazing hormones and how they affect your responsiveness to your baby see Pinky’s book “Sleeping Like a Baby” at her website -www.pinkymckay.com.au
We have always had bath time as a special daddy time, and as our son grew older daddy has always had the special job of reading bedtime stories before the bedtime breastfeed. It helps to have special routines for daddy to own and do in his own way.
What works for us is giving Dad a specific job that just he does.
Ours is bathtime, I don’t have anything to do with it. We have done this from when the kids were just babies, although I used to help at the beginning. Now I just send the kids in dirty, and I get back nice sweet-smelling children. I have had to do it a few times if he hasn’t been here and I am hopeless. The kids are always telling me “That’s not what Daddy does”
It has been great bonding for my husband and the kids, also has given him confidence. I sometimes just like to stand outside the bathroom door to hear them all laughing and giggling, it takes everything not to join in!
Hey everyone!!!
Your posts are fabulous!
Just want to let you know -I have decided to offer copies of my baby massage DVD to the three best posts - massage is a fabulous way for dads to get involved - if you have older children you can have a copy of Toddler Tactics instead.
Winners will be announced on Sunday - Fathers Day!!
Happy Fathers Day
Pinky
Sometimes I have to remind myself that my husband is not doing things wrong, he’s just doing them differently. While I might not parent in the same way, by him creating his own parenting style not only am I giving myself a break, but I am encouraging my daughter and my husband to have their own special bond.
On example is if my beautiful daughter is having a moment and is throwing herself on the ground, no matter where we are he will get down on the ground with her and just start copying her, and talking and asking her questions, turning a negative situation into a positive one. Many a time he has had raised eyebrows from on lookers (and myself!) as he flails on the ground moaning in the same way she is. Before long, there is laughter and hugs all around.
And, if all else fails, he steals her nose and puts it on her head
Bath time is a Daddy-specific task for us too.
Our hospital encouraged this from the beginning and the midwives specifically showed Daddy what to do and spent sufficient time with him to ensure he was both confident and comfortable.
I found that this helped his parenting confidence immensely and much to my surprise and, I’ll admit, initial resistance, he became my lactation coach.
Once we came home, into our own environment that had been so familiar but now felt so different due to the arrival of this little person, my breast feeding confidence plummeted. I just could not get Lucy in a comfortable position for either of us and we both grew frustrated.
Daddy started to make suggestions and yes, initially, I roared back at him - “what do you know? you don’t have boobs!”. He persisted and yes, I found his advice and suggestions invaluable because he, unlike me, had not been in a sleep-deprived hormonal mess when the midwives were helping me - he was able to remember what they had said and shown and we haven’t looked back since.
So the Daddy in our house does things differently by making sure he knows and understands as much as he can about how and why the Mummy does things.
I have become a frequent offender of criticising Dad in the 18 months since the birth of our little girl. We have often discussed how this makes him feel incompetent and less enthusiastic about getting involved in our little one’s care.
It is quite unfair of us mums to do this, as often we are commenting on ‘mistakes’ they are making under our watchful eye, when we have made the same mistakes but generally don’t have an audience monitoring our every move when it happens.
We may try to justify it as saving them from learning a particular lesson the hard way (as we have), but in the long run it will discourage the dads from trying to help us and we all lose out.
In recent months we have discovered how settled our toddler is when Daddy puts her into her cot at night, and it has been humbling but refreshing to admit to Dad that he does it better. I’ve now learnt from his gentle manner and use of routine that there is an easier way to encourage our bub to sleep, and it makes all our evenings so much more pleasant.
Filling our dads with pride rather than insecurity makes a huge difference. Happy Fathers Day to all the dads out there and don’t let us nagging mums discourage you from getting amongst this fantastic experience!
The first day we bought our tiny baby girl home from the hospital we decided she needed a bath. We got everything ready together, I showed him how the midwife had taught me to hold her and let him go (while I held the video camera). Two minute in and I hear a splash. He had dropped her in the water (this was his defining moment as a father) After picking her up and making sure she was ok he just looked at me, the look on his face was priceless and I burst out laughing. He has been a very confident father ever since. He now knows babies aren’t as fragile as they look.
I really think if I had yelled at him he wouldn’t have gone near our daughter again.
My husband has been involved hands on from day 1. He started out by being taking 4 weeks off work after the birth of our son and he did the majority of the nappy changes during this time (he remains chief nappy changer during the times we are at home together). He was also very supportive of my breastfeeding and to be more involved he made sure my needs were met e.g. I had a cup of tea, I was comfortable. When I went back to work and was expressing he made sure everything was steralised for the next day.
My little boy is learning to talk now and although he knows I’m Mummy and my husband is Daddy the word Mummy becomes interchangable depending on who he wants most at the time.
What warms my heart is that I know that my little boy when he is sick knows that both his parents can meet his needs equally and doesn’t get upset if my husband is the one staying at home looking after him.
I really would be lost without my husband!
Being the first time mum of twins I was truely grateful that my husband wanted to take 2 months long service leave to bond with our babies. So for the first 8 weeks of my kids life their wonderful father changed every nappy, including all the nappies in the hospital. When it came to him heading back to work, he was the one giving me lessons on how to change nappies and showed me what to do. It was amazing to see him so confident changing nappies when out at functions when most other dads would hand their child back to the mother for changing.
He was also there at every night time feed. He would sit and talk to me while the kids fed, then change their nappy, back for a quick topup fed then he would settle them into bed.
Ours twins are now 3 years old and it is something I have never forgotten and will always remember. Thank you!
Daddy always manages to get Baby Bernard to sleep in less than 10 minutes. He calls it his “special technique”. Becoming to curious (and jealous) I pleaded with him to reveal his secret. He was reluctant, but finally confessed that it was part tight wrapping and part “mind power”. I asked what he meant by mind power and he said “I just get to a place of peace inside me and feel it emanating outward, enveloping him in a warm, secure peace. Its the closest I think I have ever been to meditiation or prayer or anything like that before”. Well I never would have expected it coming from him, but it works! This baby has really brought some peace and serenity!!
Having a family owned farming business, I frequently don’t see much of my husband. He has always been their for the births (lucky they were born at home, or that may have been a different story!), but gone soon after. Unfortunately this hectic lifestyle doesn’t leave much time for the children or me. We do our best by enjoying the very small amounts of time that we do get together. That might be snuggling up in bed with the children as they go to sleep or enjoying a bath/shower together. The children especially love if they are allowed to go on the tractor (giving mummy a break!) or a drive around the farm in the ute. Daddy time is so important, so is Poppy or Granddad time. Men bring a totally differnt perspective into parenting that is so important.
Sleep has unfortunately been a bit of an issue for us and our beautiful 11 month old boy. Getting in to some so called “bad habits” like letting him fall asleep at the breast and also suffering from post natal depression, I had a few really bad months. Daddy though has always managed to see the positive side of things and encourage my mothering even when he was copping the abuse of all my anxiety, confusion, guilt and tiredness. He shares the care as much as possible including bathing, playing and climbing in the cot with our son and singing a lullaby version of ACDC Thunderstruck at 2.30am! He is a wonderful man and I love seeing more and more characteristics of his in our little boy everyday.
When he simply replied:
“if the outcome is the same Hannah, then what’s the…”
I went to continue to carry on, and realised…. he had a point!!
I still find it hard to back off, and to stop being a control freak!!
I am so greatful for all he does, and now trying to show it, intead of ‘improve’ it!!
It is often helpful to have someone who can take a different perspective on things. When I have been ‘at the coal face’ all day witrh bubs, trying the same things to get him to sleep/eat/be happy, I am often fresh out of ideas (even simple things) by the time hubby gets home from work.
I often think of his ideas as ‘outside the square’ but more often than not are a matter of genetics. Our son is half of my husband and half of me, so things that work for me, may not always be things that work for our son.
For example, my son was sick last week and I dressed him for bed in his normal pjs and sleeping bag with the room was normal temperature. I added one extra layer of clothes, as I am always cold when I feel sick. After trying to get my son asleep for 2 hours and him crying in my arms and refusing the breast, my husband came up with a simple plan - remove the extra layer and his socks. He then fanned my son as he finally accepted my milk and fell asleep in my arms.
As I praised my hubby later for coming up with the solution he said that he always feels hot when sick. There we go, now I know my son takes after hubby in that department.
i imagine i am a rock on the edge of the ocean.
when babies (i have three girls - a strong and intelligent toddler and three month old twins) were/are crying the house down and my beautiful wife’s (she’s reading over my shoulder) patience has run short right as her cutting vocablary has hit it’s peak, i imagine i am a big rock on the coast.
the waves can crash, the wind can howl and the rock will still be a rock, no matter what. so i stay as calm as i can be, make sure that i’m calm with the kids and i know that what ever is upsetting my wife is temporary and she doesn’t mean it.
i’ve loved being a dad and i plan on being the stay at home parent in a few months from now. even still, sometimes things get crazy and i respond by being a big, gentle, patient and loving rock.
My husband is such a great daddy to our two daughters. When we had our first baby I often criticized the way he did things, because they weren’t the same way I did things and I thought I knew the best way. Then I realized that I was far from perfect and that the girls benefit from a different approach. The girls absolutely love him and they have so much fun together and I am so grateful to have someone to talk to who loves the girls just as much as I do. He is father of the year in our eyes!!
My husband and I try to be consistent for the sake of our son, but naturally some things are always done differently! I think the primary one for us is administering medication. I always take the “softly, gently” approach - hiding Panadol in juice etc and coaxing out son to drink it. My husband on the other hand is much more forceful - which often works better! It can take me an hour to get 3ml of Panadol drunk in juice - and it is often spilt or spat out, whereas my husband (a Paramedic) has recently discovered Panadol suppositories for children. Job done in 3 seconds - but something I could never do so I do very much admire him for it!
hi pinky,
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Thank you for the informative post Pinky !!
When our son C was born, I went into protective mother mode. Even after a night of sleep deprivation, if I heard him crying, there was noone more qualified than me to settle him - so it often saw me rushing bleary eyed to my husbands side, to “rescue” him from the baby.
Luckily, my husband is quite assertive, and spoke up really early on. He told me that he couldn’t possibly learn to bond with C, if everytime he was upset, I came rushing over to comfort him. (Inevitably, this resulted in hormone driven tears, and if I’m allowed to say, a mummy tantrum!!) But when I calmed down, I did see his reasoning.
My husband is a wonderfully involved Dad, and changes nappies, reads to C, baths him, now that he’s on solids, we all eat together, he is just as capable of comforting him as I am, and when C has a tumble, the first sound out of his mouth is now DADDDDDDDA!
We established that breastfeeding was my territory, but that was the only exclusive claim I had! And what a blessing that proved to be. C and I have our special cuddles, every day, and Daddy, C and Mummy share every other experience. (There was one occasion where C offered Daddy some Boobie whilst feeding - but for the most part, it’s just a mummy and C thing)
Weekends are daddy time. After a long week of being primary caregiver, I am ready for the kid to have some daddy time. And after working outside the home all week, the daddy is ready to spend some time with the kid.
I’m there to help out when he needs it, but I also get some much needed time to myself. It works out brilliantly for all of us, especially since they don’t get much time together through the week