The yummy mummy myth
Debra’s baby is 3 months old and it’s been a rewarding but rough trot – busy days, broken sleep, a few hiccups with breastfeeding, baby’s had a cold, she’s run down. She plops down on the sofa next to her husband after finally getting bub asleep and a really long day (he’s been away on a work trip – again), and he can’t take his eyes off a vital-looking curvaceous blonde on the screen. Feeling like a handful of very small change compared to the on-screen babe who looks a million bucks, she loses it.
Of course, Debra is exhausted and overwhelmed by the relentlessness of caring for a baby and a mountain of domestic responsibilities as well as an often absent husband. Her partner sounds like many guys who are exhausted themselves from working long hours. He may even have the notion that she has the easy job –a whole day to herself to sip lattes with her mums’ group. While it doesn’t help to have your man ogling a babe on the television when you can’t even recognise the body you see in the mirror, it is a sad reflection on the pressures women with new babies face when you feel you need to live up to some ideal of a yummy mummy as well as a perfect mother and domestic goddess.
According to relationship counsellor Lisa Fettling (www.lisafettling.com.au, Debra’s reactions and concerns speak volumes about her own self-image and the state of her relationship. Lisa, who specialises in helping new parents says, “a new mother has her eye on every ball at once, she can’t take care of her baby unless she is cared for herself. She needs to be able to sit with her partner and talk about how she feels and to ask for the support she needs from him – and to be understood. After caring for a baby all day, many new mothers want to ask for a cuddle, but they are afraid that this will be a green light for sex, so instead she either withdraws or gets angry and a wall goes up between the couple. Nothing is going to happen unless she is feeling emotionally supported by her partner.”
Lara, mum of a now two year old says, “when I was overwhelmed in the early months and feeling less than ‘hot’ it wasn’t so much about my body image - I never looked like the babes on television before I had a baby so why would I expect to look like one now? If I could get a bit of space for myself, even to read a book in bed for half an hour without either a baby or partner making demands of me, I felt much better. I didn’t have the energy to care about trying to be hot: I figured that my partner was a bit like a starving man, he would be grateful for any crumbs he got. And the more supported I felt, the more likely he was to get ‘dessert’.”
If you are feeling less than a wee bit ‘hot’ right now, let go of the pressure. Perhaps comments in a recent interview with Angelina Jolie might help: Angelina said, “I’m with a man who’s evolved enough to look at my body and see it as more beautiful because of the journey it has taken.” And, if your man seems less evolved than you would like, consider – do you think he is comparing himself to Brad Pitt and wondering even the teeniest bit how he might measure up in your eyes?
I love the Angelina quote …. one more reason to love brad pitt!!
Our relationship has been brought to a new level since we had our second child. I think seeing me develop into an empowered woman with renewed confidence has just set him off or something (emotionally and physically, we just have a deeper connection). To be honest, I love my curves, I love my stretch marks and wobbly bits…yep, just like the angelina quote…it makes me who I am and I’m proud of that.
My husband always tells me that I should accept compliments when they come and not dismiss them because I see myself differently. I have been trying to do this, and I got a great one the other day. I told my 19 month old that I was going to the bathroom to brush my hair while she sat in the highchair eating breakfast. When I came back she said to me “mummy pretty!”. It made me feel good all day!
I felt very ‘approved of’ after giving birth, because my tummy flattened out fairly quickly. I felt compelled to complement a compliment with ‘it may be flat, and it’s also soft and wobbly’. I did this not so much because I can’t take a compliment, but mainly so that it’s fairer to the next new mum they meet - I’d hate to be a false ‘benchmark’! Being compared favourably sat very ill with me, especially because the implication is that it’s not as acceptable not to ‘bounce back’- you need to be aesthetically digestible according to modern day definitions of ‘beauty’ and attractiveness.
Really, what mattered most to me was that my child thought I was the ‘yummiest’ mummy…and evidently, two and a half years later, I am - still wearing maternity bras and still feeding overnight and during the day! No matter how you ‘bounce back’ or not, your children think you’re the most beautiful woman on earth, and that’s got to be worth something more than external approval, doesn’t it?
hmmm, pretty much the only decision i made when i gave birth to my son, was
” i’m in charge of this person” and i”felt” to trust myself more than ever. when it came to my body image i felt empowered like i had a skill that my hubby didn;t have. i was more comfortable with myself than ever, i had grown a child inside my body, pushed him out and i was so proud of myself.
When i see “babes” on tv i think, “wow, great camera angles, lighting, stylists, personal trainers, collegen and botox!”my body image comes this, it’s unrealistic . they have nannies etc ( angelina has one nany per child)
my husband plays a great part in helping me when he’s home to give me some headspace as well but if i dont keep my mind “alive” then it doesnt help.
when i look in my own mirror, some days i see a tired, over emotional mid 30’s but not unattractive woman who in one has- just in one day, soothed a broken heart because a tonker truck went down the drain, picked up 20 crusts of the floor
( approx twice a day!) got poo on my hands because my son moved off the change mat again, planned a meal, bought the groceries with one hand whilst wrestling a child with the other, cooked a meal, read 2 bedtime stories, taken the bins out and picked my husband up fram the station who then comes home to “sort of” clean house.
but when i’m in bed i think “yes- i am a yummy mummy wow,, i did it again!!
My second beautiful baby boy (now 7 months) was born with severe Meconium Aspiration Syndrome and spent the first 4 weeks of his life on a ventilator in the NICU, then the next 3 months at home on oxygen. The journey we have taken has really allowed me to put things in perspective. It is so easy to say “as long as I have a healthy baby” but when that is taken from you your body image becomes last priority. So yes, I am still carrying my baby weight. Yes, my boobs are saggy and a lot less appealing to my partner when I am expressing milk every few hours (bub has not been able to breastfeed) but I know each drop of milk is like liquid gold to my baby, and is helping him become stronger everyday. Oh, and those extra kilos I am carrying? They mean nothing considering I am also carrying my little boy; something I thought may never happen.
Wow Kate, you have summed it up so well with your story and experience. It puts it all into perspective.
After my first child was born I was able to get out and walk everyday and felt great for it. Now that I have two children (one is 3yrs and the other is 8 months) getting exercise and time for my thoughts is pretty hard to arrange. But these years are so important to my children and my stuff can wait. Beneath the tired eyes, the wrinkles (which my son often reminds me about) and a pretty good muffin top there is a body that can be fit and more energetic, and a mind that will think about things other than meals, toys, nappies, parks etc. For now though, I remind myself that these years are short and I have plenty of time ahead of me for me. The more accepting I am of that, the more I can ignore the yummy mummy stereotype and the more I enjoy my children and this beautiful and crazy time.
My 7 month old son thinks I’m a ‘yummy mummy’ every time I breastfeed him and yummy milk comes out, and every time he kisses me and my smiles and my laughs come out. My husband thinks I’m a ‘yummy mummy’ every time we laugh together and share our son’s bedtime routine activities. I used to think I qualified to be a ‘yummy mummy’ when I lost a lot of weight when my son was not sleeping between 2 months and 6 months and I was completely exhausted and not coping. At this time though, I was in too much of a fog to appreciate it. Now he is sleeping better, I feel great within myself. I have also put back on all the weight, so no longer look like a ‘yummy mummy’ but I DON’T CARE! My son sleeps well and is a joy, we are looking forward to Christmas, and I am fat!
thank you…how lovely. i have been thinking about this very thing today..wanting to feel like a yummy mummy and realizing that loving my own ‘journeyed’ body comes first. and looking at my chubby happy 6 month old, well, that’s often yummy enough for me.
with love to all of us…
kris