Just a mum?
Last week at playgroup with grandbaby Griffin, one of the mums was rather upset. Over dinner the night before, a supposedly close friend - single and childless - had seriously put her down by saying, “you wouldn’t know the stress of working full time.” The dinner guest also went on to berate parents at her company for not taking their ‘work’ seriously because, “they are racing out the door at 5.30pm.”
The playgroup mum has two small children and has put aside a corporate career to be a home maker and mother. She works part time around her little ones in a home based business but is frustrated at the lack of respect for the job she is doing raising two happy, healthy children and running a home. She says, if I mention my part time business, even my family ask, “so how much are you making?” They don’t value what I do because they can’t see the dollar signs.
It is sad that the role of being a mother, especially a full-time mother, doesn’t convey much acknowledgement, let alone respect, but I often wonder if this is our own fault to some extent - would others have more respect for our mothering role if we command this with confidence?
A few years ago, I was at a business lunch. People introduced themselves around the table then chat turned to the inevitable, “and what do you do?” Responses were diverse: Doctor, lawyer, accountant, publicist, actor… until, across the table a vivacious woman said, “I am a happy housewife.” (she had come with her husband). Although the woman didn’t mention her mothering role (much more appealing then ‘housewife’ to me), because she had dared to be completely honest (and described herself as ‘happy’), with no embellishment (”domestic engineer”) or apology (”I am just a mum”), she commanded as much respect as any of the ‘high fliers’ at the table.
Gaining respect from others starts with self-respect, especially valuing our own role as mothers. Admittedly this can take a while to come to grips with when you are used to defining yourself by what you do. Being ‘just a mother’ can add another layer of the inevitable identity crisis as you adjust to the ‘real change of life’ that having a baby entails. There is also pressure on mothers from many angles that if they aren’t in the paid workforce they are either failing to contribute (to the family budget or to society at large) or they are wasting their education.
The skills acquired from being a mother (and those required to be a mother) - from extreme patience under stress and dealing with difficult people, to multi- tasking - can be valuable attributes to society at large as well as any future career path. Mothering involves amazing creativity and is probably the most intense personal development course available. It also requires initiative that can lead on to new opportunities in business or personal life and it is entirely compatible with further study if this suits you.
If you are feeling pressured about your choices to take ‘time out’ to nurture your little ones, remind yourself that many of your critics (like the woman who put the playgroup mum down) wouldn’t understand the definition of ‘full-time’ as you know it. Also, hold your head up high as you tell yourself (often!!), the world will wait while you do the wonderful, worthwhile work of raising happy little human beings. If you understand the significance of your nurturing role to your child, to your own identity and to the wider community, you will be open to the delights of being a mother however you choose to work this out.
Pinky McKay is an International Board Certified Lactation Consultant, infant massage instructor, mother of five and author of five books including ‘Sleeping Like a Baby’, 100 Ways to calm the Crying, and Toddler Tactics(Penguin). Visit her website www.pinkymckay.com.au
Hi Pinky,
What a timely topic. As I have gone through another episode of getting angry with my one year old for not falling asleep within half an hour (and my arm being so sore with holding a 11kg baby all the time), I am feeling rather sick of being a mum.
I give all I have all day to my child. He is happy and healthy and to his dad I am doing a brilliant job. The problem is that I feel trapped. I don’t see what I am doing as anything special. I am just doing what needs to be done. All mothers give what they have and all the mothers before that. So, I am ‘just a mum’.
Before being on maternity leave, I was in a highly paid position at work. My workmates always told me how good I am at work, so in all accounts, I felt valued (also in financial terms). Now, I am working harder than I have ever before. Being ‘on duty’ 24/7 is very tiring. Whilst the beautiful smiles on my baby’s face is very rewarding, I just think that all mums out there gets them as well anyway. There’s nothing too special there.
Don’t get me wrong, I still have respect for all the mothers out there (just not this one).
I am going back to work part time soon. I am going back, quite sadly, so that I can be reminded by my workmates how good I am and also get paid at the same time. Yes, my self confidence has never been very high, and my spending habits demands for some extra cash in the household budget.
Maybe I have my priorities wrong. Maybe I am just confused, but I am feeling a bit better after reading your blog Pinky.
Thank you for all the work that you do. I regularly read your weblog (eventhough it’s relatively new) to find comfort that there are many mothers out there, like me, tries our best to be the best mum we can be, not ‘just a mum’.
Thankyou!
I read Margaret Atwood’s “The Edible Woman” in high school.
Yet I am still surprised to feel that my role as mother (without the additional role of paid worker) feels like a waste of my university education, a drain on society’s resources, and inadequate in comparison to paid childcare workers or pre-school teachers.
After reading your blog, I think I have a new response to “What do you do?”
“I have the perfect job: I am a mother.” I will try to remember that one day my children will be grown up, and I can still do the things I dreamed about before I understood what an all-encompassing, rewarding role parenthood is.
I think this topic is always timely. It captures our guilts as mother and society’s definition of value.
My son is 10.5 months old never slept well is currently cutting his top 4 teeth and has a cold. I know in this forum every one of you have just given me a collective hug, knowing what I’m going through. Of course in my parttime ‘professional’ job no one will even know (except the bags under my eyesmay give it away!).
Being a mother is hard work full stop. I dcided to go back for reasons of my future and my ego. I am not sure I’ve made the right choice but being a mother is so hard that working feels like a break.
Of course not being able to get good childcare adds another level. As mothers we should stick together and support each other whether full time or not.
I was one of the “unusual” mums who returned to work when my baby was 12 weeks old. In my case it was the mothers at my mums group that were the judgemental ones. I got comments like “wow you must really love your job” and “oh I couldn’t possibly abandon MY child!” (this last one had me in tears for hours).
I am lucky, although I work fulltime, I have a very flexible employer who allows me to work from home 2 days a week (and also when my son is ill).
Although my manager is very understanding, fellow employees also raise eyebrows when I come in late, or leave at 5.30 (to dash to childcare by 6pm). What they don’t see is the work I do at 5am or 11pm. I have a phone and a Blackberry so I am always contactable. I answer calls and email at all hours of the day and night unlike most of my childless colleagues. I am lucky to have this flexibility and I take both jobs very seriously - motherhood and my career, and both actually help me to be better at the other.
Being a mum has improved my time management and multi-tasking skills! I can change a nappy whilst taking a work call. I can even breastfeed and type and email concurrently! Being a senior executive gives me time to focus on my work, enjoy adult coversation and HOT coffee (!) and still come home and focus on my child and I cherish every minute I spend with him. Something I didn’t realise though is that my sick leave is no longer for when I am sick, it is for when my child is sick!
The past few weeks have been tough for us - our carer has been on 3 weeks holiday. Whilst I thought my son would love being at home, he ended up missing the other kids, toys and activities at family daycare and was quite frustrated in the end with “just mum” despite my efforts of swimming, trips to the park, the beach etc.
Ultimately we all do what is best for us and our families. That may mean working, stay at home mum, stay at home dad or other. If only we could be more supportive, and far less judgemental of other people’s choices.
I absolutely agree - every parent makes the best choices for herself and her family and these choices may change at various times. Lets all support each other whatever choices we make at ‘working it out’ - EVERY mother deserves support - for her good, for her child’s good and for the whole community
keep telling us your stories.
Pinky
Hi Pinky
I am the mother of a beautiful, bubbly 10 month old and I wanted to thank you for your blog entries - it is so nice to be reminded what an important job we are all doing as mums.
There is so little space and time in this busy world we live in to actually appreciate the little things that are so important and its nice to have them acknowledged. The whole idea of mums being ‘just a mum’ - as if that isn’t something valuable is such a horrible societal construct - and there are so few countries that hold that view - most of the world celebrates and worships the magical and vital work that mothers do!
I draw much strength from your words and from considering what *really* matters - I now try to see myself from my child’s eyes and not from the eyes of others.
I read with interest everyone’s response - I agree with Heidi, most Mothers try to be the best mother they can be, not really that unique. And I also strongly agree with Pinky that there is a large component of self-esteem tied up in being a mother.
I think perhaps being a good mother has something to do with being the best person we can be. Doing a good job in paid employment, mastering skills and education and being remunerated for our effort are all relatively simple pursuits that can be mastered no matter what the calibre of person we are. Being a good parent - well who has the job description on that one? and who can say what is right and wrong when there are so many degrees and differences (as many differences as there are different people in the world!!!). I have learnt that “Motherguilt” is not unique!! I know full time Mum’s who feel guilty for not having “paid” work; fulltime “career” Mum’s who have guilt for the constraints on their time and even myself, who at this moment am fortunate enough to be trying to balance part time paid work and being involved in my children’s school; kindy and having quality time with my nearly 1 year old.
I was probably fortunate enough to have to return to paid work after my babies - otherwise we don’t have the house, or the lifestyle we have (private schooling and extra curricular activities, etc). This “forced” return to work actually allowed me the chance to find what worked best for me and my family (or did I just intuitively find my way to a path that suited me?). My self esteem is very much tied up in what I do, not who I am. When I feel better about myself because of a measurable success at work, I am a better mother to my boys. On the flip side, when I am stressed and trying to complete a project (I mostly work at home), I am snappy and not tuned into my childrens needs - so I still need to work daily to find a balance.
I try to surround myself with people who support my need for balance; I also try to remember that most people’s unfeeling comments are often more about their own struggles than mine. If only I knew when I had my first (and even my 2nd) baby what I know now!! I am very confident no in telling people I have found a balance that suits me and my family; but that I still stive every day to be a better mother and a better person. If my children, as adults, can say “my Mum did her best” (as I say about my Mum who worked full time), I will be happy!! and when I struggle, I read Pinky - who makes me feel 10 foot tall and bullet proof!!!
Thank you for this Pinky! I am a part time mother-scientist, who has jumped off the promotion train for a while and constantly gets questioned about being part time. I will now answer that I am a damn fantastic mother and I wouldn’t want to deprive the world of my skills. I am sure that motherhood, more than anything else, shapes the world. And goodness knows the world needs more gentle mothering. It should be valued far more highly
Besides, I’m learning skills I never would have in the workplace. If I can raise a couple of toddlers, I can manage a bunch of scientists!