Everyone else is coping better than me - or are they really?
“Now, let’s go round the circle and introduce ourselves,” said the mums’ group facilitator. “And, as you introduce yourself, please tell us one thing you have achieved this week.” As each mum told the group, “I have taken my toddler to the park every day this week,” I have an amazing new routine that gives me and my partner quality time”, “my baby is sleeping straight through,” the woman sitting next to me blurted, “I am wearing my husband’s underpants – I’ve had a crap week and I haven’t even done the washing!”
Oh how I loved that woman! We became best friends – no pretence, no expectations, no pressure. Just complete honesty, whether we were having great days or not.
The thing is, we usually only get to see other mums with their happy faces on. Isn’t that what we all do? There is so much pressure to be seen as ‘coping’ (don’t you hate that word), that we often don’t even venture out on the tough days. Sadly, this fuels the conspiracy of silence that tells us everybody else is ok. Chances are they too are fumbling in the dark, at least some of the time.
Perhaps as your own confidence improves you might like to try a bit of honesty and help another mum feel better. Or, if you dare to speak up, your bravery may just help you find a genuine friend who isn’t perfect either.
This is much harder than I thought it would be
Before you actually had a baby of your own, you probably imagined them sleeping or smiling just like in the soft focus television advertisements. Chances are, you thought you would have heaps of time to catch up with friends for lattes and even redecorate your home – all the things you didn’t have the time or energy for while you were pregnant and still ‘working’.
Nobody mentioned that even an easy baby will take at LEAST nine hours of basic care each day – around the clock! Or that your life would be totally unpredictable and you would feel isolated and exhausted a lot of the time. And, if you have a crying baby, how you could spend most of the day with your little one in your arms wondering what you are doing wrong.
Please, give yourself credit – you are still standing (even if you are also walking the floor). Tell yourself you are doing a wonderful job – you really are! Look into those deep navy blue eyes, smell that soft downy head and breathe – deeply and slowly. Here is your proof – the little bundle that loves you unconditionally (and incessantly). And if things really are too much to bear, please call for help. Remember, you are not imposing – it is a privilege to be invited to share the love of a baby.
Will everyone stop giving me advice?
It can seem that everybody has an opinion about how you should bring up your baby and so much advice is conflicting that it’s enough to undermine even the most confident woman awash with motherly hormones and in charge of a tiny helpless being. One useful tip when you are facing a slew of advice is to pretend you are standing next to an open window. Take a deep slow breath and imagine the advice blowing past you, out of the window. It can help to put on your vaguest expression and with a bit of luck they will stop trying to ‘get through’ to you.
If a family member or friend is trying to be helpful say, “thank-you, I’ll remember that.” (Then do whatever works for you and your baby). Or, you could tell them politely but firmly, “this works for us,” or ‘(baby’s name) responds really well to …(whatever you are doing)
It really isn’t worth wasting energy trying to educate people who have very different views to you unless you are feeling very strong or passionate. If they are being forceful, try bringing in the big guns. Say, “our pediatrician/ child health nurse/ lactation consultant has told us …” Then change the conversation.
Remember, this is your baby – you know her best and if any advice feels uncomfortable to you discard it, wherever it comes from. And, when you are feeling really frustrated, perhaps you could consider Oscar Wilde’s advice: “The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any use to oneself.”
This is exactly what I needed to hear. Lately I haven’t been “coping”, at 8 months sleep for my bub is still such a struggle no matter what we have tried, and of course with that there have been so much “well meaning” advice on how I should leave him to cry it out. I am mentally and physically exhausted, but I don’t want to ask for help as I feel in the way, but seeing it from another view, that those who I ask for help would be lucky to spend time with my son is a better way to look at it.
Thank you for another wonderful read.
My babies are older now (7 and 5) but I remember feeling bewildered by conflicting advice and the well-meaning paeditricians insistance that I only feed my daugther every 4 hours so she’d “self settle” at night…. (yep 2 hours of screaming with hunger really helped with that!)
But
I was so lucky that I found the most wonderful health nurse (come lactation consultant, come friend) at the local chemist within the first few weeks of parenthood. She just said “do you feel its right to only feed your baby every 4 hours” …and I whispered “no”…. and she told me exatly this: “nobody knows your baby as well as you do - feed her when you think she’s hungry”.
She never gave me advice - she gave me ideas and choices and she gave me the confidence I needed. …and that health nurse gave me the ability to use my inbuilt “crap filters” and I still use them!
As Leanne said, that is exactly what I needed to hear too so thank you. I have a two year old and a newborn and feel so overwhelmed at the moment between the two of them and I always feel as though everyone else I know copes so well and they must think I am weak for not feeling as though I am coping. Some days are better than others, and I am learning to let go of needing everything to be perfect and just enjoy my time with them, even if that does mean staying in PJ’s until at least lunch time!!! Thanks Pinky you are an inspiration for us Mums who love our job but sometimes find it all a bit overwhelming!!!!!
My first boy was the “good” baby - slept through the night from 5 weeks old, happy, healthy, bouncing baby boy! And everyone hated me for it. My second boy didn’t sleep a full night until he was 2 years old - but I was too scared to ask for help. Anyone who knew my first baby thought it was karma and that it was a good thing to experience the “bad” baby. I too was physically and mentally exhausted and the boys both suffered as a result. I always tried to do what felt right - breast fed both of them until they gave it up at around 15 months, always got up when they cried. My second boy unfortunately demanded me usually 8 or more times a night up until he was 2, when they started sharing a room - he was lonely and my heart broke. We had wanted to move them in together but were so worried about my first son having his sleep more disturbed! Anyway, we did what felt right at the time, and continue to bring them up in the same way.
‘Coping’ is a funny word really, isnt it? There seems to be lots of external, even internal pressures to ‘cope’ with the way things are. Are we ‘coping’ today or not? But thats just it, its the way things are! Whether its the toys all over the floor well after bedtime (but didn’t they play so well today!) or the dishes stacked up in the sink AND all over the table (but it was good to get out to play today, wasn’t it) Whatever happens, look I try to remember to look at these heavenly little beings that have come into my life, and just breathe them in. They really are angels no matter how convincing their diguise at times! My two yo daughters Bday today, so feeling all sentimental . . . and four and a half yo son, now just so big and grown up.
Our Little Princess is only just starting to sleep ok now, still wants a cuddle from about midnight tho, so she just shares with us the rest of the night. Things improved when I stopped frantically searching for the answer to why she wasn’t sleeping solidly like our number 1 did. I decided, after about a year and a half of sleep deprived mothering, that I had to just accept that she is different, and that I am not going to sleep through (unless I leave her overnight with Nanna!). The midnight cuddles are just what she needs (as long as she sleeps!) and I am so happy to be the one she cuddles. It won’t be for always, and her hair smells so sweet! The nights she isn’t with us till 5 or 6, I miss her!! Crazy, I know!
It also helped giving our son a queen sized bed, so hubby migrates to there if it gets hectic in ours.
And my hubbys undies aren’t that uncomfortable actually . . . but I don’t like wearing his socks!
Thank you Pinky, for reminding us that however we do it, as long as LOVE for our babies is the main ingredient, its ok.
Pinky, every time I’m starting to get down in te dumps you manage to hit the nail on the head and cheer me up by helping me to relax and be the parent I want to be, not the one I sometimes feel like the rest of the world thinks I should be.
Thank you always.