Down with ‘celebu-nannies’
I often find myself explaining to confused mothers asking ‘what am I doing wrong?” (as they try to follow the book on their coffee table), that books that seem reasonable before you have a child are at odds with how you feel when you meet your little being.
I have just been reminded of this as I read a beautiful article in a baby magazine ( My Child) by Antonella Gambotto-Burke - ‘Raising Bethesda’ - about how she had planned ‘pre-baby’ to follow the Contented Little Baby book by Gina ford. But, as happens so often, Gambotta Burke says, “But then I heard Bethesdas voice and the world changed.”
You see, nature is powerful and when she has her way, mothers discover, as Gambotta-Burke did, that mother and baby are designed to be close to each other and feel at odds when separation is enforced by rules.
Snuggling together with baby is natural and nourishing to both parent and child and clocks and strict schedules have no part of this connection as mother and baby become exquisitely attuned to each other. Non-verbal cues are easily shared so that as baby becomes slightly uncomfortable or just a wee bit hungry or thirsty, mother intuitively attends to her child. This connection is like a dance with partners becoming more and more competent at the steps as they practice - soon there are no concerns about ‘which cry is this?’ Instead there is an inner knowing by that mother of her individual baby’s own unique language.
This is not simply an ‘emotional’ bond ( although of course there is a deep emotional connection and it is vital) but a blueprint for survival that is physical and biological. Hormonal changes that begin during pregnancy and are heightened after the birth of our babies are designed to help us become more intuitive and responsive to them. MRIs have shown that certain parts of a mother’s brain light up when her own baby cries; other studies show that circulation to a mother’s breasts increases when she hears her child’s cry. Fathers too can have altered levels of hormones that aid their responsivity and these are enhanced by close contact with their child.
This is why I feel angry when I hear childless ’celebunannies’ - to use Antonella Gambotta’s term - calling babies ‘MY babies’ or claiming that they have special powers to interpret babies’ cries. Some claim they have had these ’special powers’ since they were children. Der… ? These women are part of the human race (aren’t they) - I would like to believe that every child has enough empathy to know when a fellow human feels distressed, especially a vulnerable baby. However, I feel cross that mothers are being undermined and second guessing their own babies’ behaviour as they listen to ‘outsiders’ telling them to ‘leave the baby to cry’ or that is ‘just’ an angry cry ( anger is a legitimate emotion when distress and helplessness prevail) .
This lack of confidence is detrimental to the mother- infant connection as it interrupts bonding between the person who really does know the baby best - the mother of that child. Besides, despite the outrageous claims that anybody but you - the parents - could interpret your babies cries better than you, research actually shows that babies have individual cry prints, just as we all have individual fingerprints. So although there may be a similarity between babies cries, there will also be nuances that are characteristic to YOUR baby. By holding your wee one close and doing some baby watching - not packing her away in a dark room and avoiding eye contact - you will get to know what kind of cry is this? You will also get to know your baby’s pre-cry language and you will intuitively respond appropriately.
I have a wonderful quote that I love to share from The Continuum Concept, a book written in the seventies by Jean Leidloff, an American woman who lived for a time with the Yequana Indians,
“I would be ashamed to admit to the Indians that where I come from the women do not feel themselves capable of raising children until they have read the instructions written by a strange man”
As Antonella Gamnbotto- Burke says, describing her feelings, the night her baby announced “I sleep in my own bed” , “Gina Ford and her fellow ‘celebunannies’ can never know what I felt in that moment for Bethesda. That throat-constricting love, as limitless as the horizon.The confrontation of my baby’s conscious individuation. And the understanding that allowing her to evolve at her own pace was a gift: in yielding to our babies, a reverence for life itself.”
Love, laugh, enjoy - and please, be as gentle to yourself and your beloved as you are to your child. You ARE the expert about YOUR baby!
Pinky www.pinkymckay.com.au
Oh yes, Pinky, I totally agree and I also love the articles published by Gamnbotto-Burke in My Child magazine. Why then, even though I agree wholeheartedly, do I have SUCH angst over my every move when it comes to raising my 10mo son?
I am not sure if I too have fallen victim to the ‘power-mother struggle to remain as life was pre-baby’ …
I am a devote to Sears’s books on raising children as well as your own, yet I also often secretly read non-gentle parenting books when I am at a bookstore or online. It is hard to remain true when you’re are exhausted and everyone is telling you that you should not be doing what you are doing — stop feeding so much, stop putting him into bed with you, you are preventing him from EVER sleeping through … and I am going back to work.
This is also another struggle faced by many a nurturing attachment parenting believing mother — I am going back to work because I want to. I will be honest, I do not know if I am fool-heartedly believing that I can celebunanny it all, or if I am making a terrible decision (one that I am also happy to change, if it doesn’t work).
I love and cherish my baby boy. I am desperately trying to find a balance in life and trying to maintain one on one care (which I am able to do and not have to put him in a creche yet, which is a personal choice, not an indication of quality of creche care). I have dedicated myself to him and will continue to do so — but I also want to see if I can balance work as well.
It is an indication of how insecure we are made to feel that I feel compelled to ask, after all I have just written … am I doing the right thing?
Being a mother is a hard and endless life. The rewards are amazing, yet the self doubt is continuous. Thank you, Pinky for reinforcing always that we are the best judge for our baby.
Thanks for raising another relevant issue to us. Essentially, I think we would be better off being taught how to be more confident in being mothers. Pinky is spot on when she says that instinctively we know best for our children. However, I have found that it only takes one or two tough nights with teething, a cold or a tummy pain at 2am to say goodbye to the confidence you had the day before.
After 10 months with my daughter I still throw my hands in the air (I put the baby down first) and often have no idea what is wrong. The other night at 2am she was up for 2 hours crying and falling asleep on me but not going back into her cot. I was so worn out and just couldn’t understand what could be wrong. I tried everything! Eventually she fell into a deep sleep enhausted and in the morning when she did a big dirty nappy I didcovered the problem…….. she had somehow eaten some soft plastic rubbery wrapper earlier. I suppose that didn’t feel too good moving through her intestines and I now realise what the issue at 2am was! I felt so guilty, not only because she had managed to eat it (came from the cover of a book) but because after an hour of unhappiness I was telling her to stop carrying on and go back to sleep. I thought she was having some kind of tantrum. Yes, that guilt felt terrible but I can’t dwell, I’m sure I’ll feel it again soon.
So,confirming what I have always thought, if baby is not sleeping it is for a reason. WHether the reason is physical or emotional, it is still a reason. I don’t believe babies need to be taught how to sleep or re-taught how to settle by leaving them alone. Babies need to know that even when they don’t know what is wrong or why they can’t sleep, at least Mum or Dad will be there to comfort them.
It’s so strange to say but I remember the helplessness of being a child, I remember not wanting to go to sleep and I remember the comfort of my Mum. So, perhaps it makes me a bit softer and I don’t want my bub to feel alone when she is distressed. That is the basis for my parenting, the desire to protect and love. At 2am during her crisis I feel terrible for her tears, at 2.30am I’m angry at her for making me stay awake because I have to work in the morning, at 3am I’m angry at the world (including my husband for sleeping through our crisis). Then at 3.30am when she is sound asleep in my arms and I stare at her angel face I feel priveledged that I could share a beautiful moment with her. Truly!
It’s all a process and I’m learning all the time. I’m bound to feel angry sometimes. I’m beyond trying to justify this and every mother I know goes through the same thing. So when I question if I am doing the right thing, I conclude that I am her mother and if it’s not the right thing then hopefully next time it will be. And, oops I might make another mistake, but it will be made with LOVE!
As you can see, today I have my confidence back. I’d also like to share some things with you and if you have a little baby it might be helpful.
My baby screamed all day until 4 and a half months from tummy pain. It couldn’t be helped. She slept only half an hour a day and she was attached to me constantly. I breast fed her on demand day and night. She sometimes co slept with us when required. I rocked her or fed her to sleep EVERY time. The health nurse told me I fed her too frequently and she should be in a better routine. My mum told me I should put her to bed awake……. Yeah right!!!!! I was very distressed and spent all the day obsessing about getting her to sleep (which she never did). After Pinky came to my home one Saturday, our lives changed and I decided to start listening to my child. She was awesome from then on. I continued to do what I had been doing but without the stress and regained my confidence.
So, in summary, she breastfed until 9 months and then weaned herself. She won’t co sleep now, she needs her space. She goes to her cot most nights awake with a smile and goes to sleep herself. She does all of these things herself. I didn’t have to teach her. I didn’t make a rod for my own back by rocking her to sleep every night as they told me I would. Each baby is an individual and needs different things but it’s rubbish to say that by comforting you are teaching bad habits.
Thanks to Pinky for caring enough to teach.
Oh Pinky. I am so happy to see you in blogland. This is an easy and gentle way to introduce you to new Mums who do actually think those books and those people are worth following.
I have subscribed and look forward to further blog posts.
Just got home from a delightful morning coffee with Pinky organised by westfield.
Thanks again Pinky for all your advice. I always feel that your advice is so sensible and straightforward that I almost feel I should have known the answer without asking the question (for example, I asked Pinky what I should do about my 7 month old son who still will not sleep longer than 20 minutes without being wrapped - answer: wrap him, he will not become a deliquant from having been wrapped as a child, can gradually loosen wrap).
I guess that is what happens when we second guess ourselves too much. We stop relying on our own common sense (am actually quite sensible, intelligent person, but suddenly with my son, I find myself questioning the most basic decisions).
Also, thanks to Lynda (above comment), made me feel a lot better about my son’s sleep -irregular and unpredictable.
It is nice to hear that statement - ‘you know your baby best’. My daughter began waking every one to two hours each night from the age of 5months. She is now almost 2years and still wakes once/twice a night to be settled. My husband and I tried every technique out there and admittedly a few ‘celebunanny’ ones sneaked in. I followed one well known author’s strategies until I started reading between the lines and realised she had no children and even admitted not knowing what a new mum feels like during the bonding processes (in the bin for that book). I gave up every technique on the command of my GP who was concerned with my mental state! Nothing worked but once my husband and I agreed to do what we felt was right (rocking, singing, sleeping with us!! Just lovely!) we have all relaxed. She now puts herself asleep and quickly settles at night unless she is unwell.
But I find that it is not only the authors and baby experts who leave you feeling guilty and like you’re failing…I sometimes find my wonderful, supportive mum’s group a source of pressure. I often seem to be the only mum who follows her baby’s lead as opposed to a stricter routine. Don’t get me wrong…I would be at a total loss without my mum-mates’ support and friendship, but have felt the subtle pressure before to follow another’s advice or strategy even though it didn’t sit right with me. I have become more confident however, especially when I watch my toddler behaving very similarly and happily as everyone else’s despite the way they have been raised!
Thanks Pinky for always seeming to ‘back-up’ what I am feeling and thinking!
I just want to say that I could never manage to actually sleep when our baby was in bed with us — I sleep too lightly and need to thrash around too much to get comfortable. What has worked for us was setting up our little boy’s bed on a futon in his room. He happily goes to sleep there at night and when he wakes during the night (so far there have been about 4 nights in the two years of his life where he hasn’t woken
one of us goes in there to sleep with him. It was an enormous breakthrough and now everyone pretty much gets a good night’s sleep, except for the horror weeks when he is sick or teething or whatever.
Allejuia! I was recommended the “Contented Baby” book by Gina Ford by numerous friends and other new mums. I read it back to front before I had my daughter (first baby) and consistently refered back to it for the first 5 weeks…. I went to my obsterticrian for 6 week check and she asked if Ruby was sleeping threough the night yet? Bleery eyed I answered “well not yet”, honestly not expecting this to happen for many weeks to come. Her simple response was “don’t wake her”…So simple and yet so true! Ruby will let you know if she is hungry. My confidence has jumped a mile as I now use “mother’s intuition” to read my baby and we are both so much happier. I feel as if a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I now let Ruby call the shots- if she wants to sleep I let her sleep, if she wants a cuddle, I warmly cuddle her until she is consoled and I don’t feel gulity. Mother’s guilt is very powerful and yet what am I guilty of- loving my baby? Sure getting your baby into some sort of routine is good. It helps your baby feel secure and gives us some predicatability but not all babies are the same and what baby can tell the time? If I can give any advice to new mum’s (and I’m definately not qualified in any true sense) trust your instinct as you are the best person who knows what is best for your baby.
Ruby’s now 7 weeks old and she’s only waking up once at night. I also believe that she is also more “contented”- as I don’t have to prod her to wake up at specific times nor rock and walk her endlessley when she wants to play.
Have faith and confidence in nurturing your baby the way you want to rather than following a “celebu nanny” book that dictates and warns you off developing that natural -mother baby rapport and relationship that is unique and special to all of us.
Oh Pinky, I love this topic! I have watched and read celebunannies and felt so guilty when I couldn’t get the same responses they do.
My 3rd son is now 10 months old and wakes 4-5 times a night (after sleeping through for the first 5 months). He is much like my first son, who did the same, but the difference is with my first son I tried to mould him and nights were TERRIBLE. Even though he wakes often, I have found that if I just feed him, or cuddle him he settles quickly (most times!) and though I am sleep deprived (as I was with my first) I can cope better as I know my son needs this - it is not some bad thing I have “trained” him into, it is just him and his current needs and by meeting his needs, I find I have a very contented child - who might sleep less than me, but a happy boy none-the-less!!
N - I work part time, it helps me find value in myself and helps me to trust my instincts more with my children, because alot of my self esteem is tied up with what I do, more than who I am (probably not the most healthy self esteem, but I know my good points and short comings!). It does mean I have to be super organised, but that suits my personality! You should try what you think you would like and know that you can change your mind anytime, only you know what is best for you (and your baby), so jump with both feet and a smile and be willing to be flexible to trust your inner voice - you will do well, don’t doubt yourself!!