Being ‘just a mum” !
Take one: I was playing ‘handbag’ to my husband at a business cocktail party. As the food was passed my way, I politely declined, mentioning that I had already eaten. The man in a suit standing next to me said, “you are obviously a mother.” He then turned away and spoke to somebody else, no doubt assuming that I would have nothing interesting or worthwhile to contribute.
Take two: A business lunch, this time related to my own work. People introduced themselves around the table then chat turned to the inevitable, “and what do you do?” Responses were diverse: Doctor, lawyer, accountant, publicist, actor… until, across the table a vivacious woman said, “I am a happy housewife.” Because this woman had dared to call it like it was (and describing herself as ‘happy’), with no embellishment (“domestic engineer”) or apology (“I am just a mum”), she commanded as much respect as any of the ‘high fliers’ at the table.
Sadly, being a mother, especially a full-time mother, often doesn’t convey much acknowledgement, let alone respect, but I often wonder if this is our own fault to some extent – will others have more respect for our mothering role if we command this with confidence, like the woman at lunch?
I believe respect starts with self respect and valuing our own role as mothers but this can take a while to come to grips with, especially the first time round. Many women are used to defining themselves by what they do, so being ‘just a mother’ can add another layer of the inevitable identity crisis as you adjust to the ‘real change of life’ that having a baby entails.
Second time mum, Tania Delahoy is another woman who happily defines herself as a stay at home mum, but it took a while for her to do this with the pride she now manages. She says, “at first I used to say, “I am a medical scientist but I’m in maternity leave.” Then, when I was considering returning to work part time, the costs involved (childcare and tax changes) meant that we would hardly be any better off financially so we made a conscious choice to downshift.” Tania admits that the transition hasn’t always been easy: “it took a while to adjust to feeling ‘less important’ because people used to be very interested in what I did (before I was a mother) and I do get a bit of flack at times. The other day I was bagged by another mother who is working fulltime about my car being old, but it doesn’t bother me because I feel really privileged that I am that I am able to enjoy my babies.”
Although a career can define our identity, there is also pressure on mothers that if they aren’t in the (paid) workforce they are either failing to contribute (to the family budget or to society at large) or that they are wasting their education. Yet the skills acquired from being a mother (and required to be a mother)– from extreme patience under stress and dealing with difficult people, to multi- tasking – can be valuable attributes to society at large as well as any future career path. Mothering involves amazing creativity and is probably the most intense personal development course available. It also requires initiative that can lead on to new opportunities in business or personal life and it is entirely compatible with further study if this suits you.
If you are feeling confused about taking ‘time out’ please remind yourself that the world will wait while you do the wonderful, worthwhile work of raising happy little human beings and hold your head up high: if you understand the significance of your nurturing role to your child and to your own identity, you will be open to the delights of being a mother, however you choose to work this out.
Thank you!
It’s lovely that the task of being a mum, can be recognised as just as important, if not more so than all the other careers out there!!
We’ve got a teensy house, old cars, and op shopped clothes - but we also have very happy kids.
Well worth it in my mind!
I enjoyed your blog and agree with respect needing to come from within first, before expecting others to respect you. That applies to so many aspects of our lives,
Can I comment on the flip side to being “Just a mum”
I returned to work quickly after both my boys - 6 weeks with the first, and 10 weeks with my second. This was not through some need to maintain my importance in society or an identity crisis, but was because of the need to earn money.
The reactions that I get as i return to full time nursing in an emergency department ( last week was when I started back) are amazing - but mostly invole comments such as:
“it must be so hard to leave your baby”
” couldn’t you have taken longer off”
“are you going to cope”
” Man, you must be mad”
” WHY?”
And assumptions made about who I will get to care for the boys and how my youngest must be too young for care.
Stay at home mums and others feel the need to grade me on the spectrm of mothering because I needed to return to work. And to be honest - I wanted to return to work. Granted, I would of enjoyed more time off with my babies, but without money coming in, that enjoyment would of fast turned into increased stress and tension in the house from decreased income.
Just a Mum? I’m doing *the* most important job in the world. Bringing up, educating, guiding and most importantly, loving the next generation. Anyone who describes me as “just a Mum”, watch out!
I have been a full time stay at home mum for nearly 12 years to three beautiful children, and it was a conscious decision on my husbands and my part to do so. For all but the last couple of years it has been a struggle financially, but oh so worth it! There has not been a milestone that I have missed, nor an important occasion for my three beautiful kids. Now they are all at school full time I feel more pressure than ever to return to work, and some very negative comments from wives of husband’s colleagues. I do a lot of volunteer work, which last year (and this year) led to my only 2 consecutive long days of full time (unpaid) work. My kids hated it; I wasn’t there for assembly, school pick up, after school chat about the day, to cook dinner ‘properly’, or do any of the other myriad of things we Mums do! When it was explained that if the kids wanted interstate (especially Queensland!) holidays each year, and that if I worked those two days would be the norm along with after school care, school holiday care, few playdates (because they would be in care which we had paid for!) and no after school activities. The kids quickly decided that not having everything material but having Mum at home was definitely the way to go! Go stay at home mum!
Your blog was just what all mums need to read. I am currently on maternity leave with my 2nd child and am just at the stage where im considering to return back to work part time or be ‘just a mum’. Its a hard decision.. Being a mum is the greatest most important job in the world. Its one of the hardest jobs ive ever done its a juggling act, its demanding its often thankless and its unpaid.. on the upside i get to watch my children interact with each other everyday, learn a new word, a new colour, learn how to crawl, walk for the first time i am still undecided about returning to work.. i do feel like being a mum sometimes just isn’t enough..i feel like im being lazy by not returning back to work.. i hear all these comments like’oh soo your a lady of leisure now’ what do u do during the day.. im hoping by going back to work it will give me some balance and structure in my week and some pocket $$ . but am i doing the right thing?
Yes - thanks!
I never had a doubt in my mind - nor was there one in my husbands when we decided well before starting a family that I wanted to be a full time stay at home Mum. And it is exactly what we did. However it has been an interesting journey in regards to how I have come full circle with my confidence around others, in what I do and who I am, over the last 2 years.
I remember being confused in the early days when I attended various group gatherings (mother’s groups, breastfeeding clinics etc.) and was given genuine encouragement for deciding not to return to paid work. To be honest, I didn’t understand why I was being given such pats on the back. I was even more shocked when a lovely midwife/ MCHN told me that she had a full time stay at home mother who felt intimidated in her mother’s group as she was the only one who was. I simply couldn’t comprehend how a stay at home mother could be concerned about what she was doing - how could that be possible? Then as the weeks and months rolled by, I too started falling into the trap of ‘justifying’ and explaining my position.
Following the first 6 months where the ‘general’ expectations are that most Mums are at home; I started encountering new experiences which at times deflated my enthusiasm and beliefs. I would recieve deadly silent reactions to answering ‘that I would not be returning to work’ when asked the question. I ‘felt’ surrounded by returning to work Mum’s who were giving me the impression that they were managing to ‘do it all’. And I would be incredibly frustrated that where once someone would give me the impression they were interested about my professional vocation - no longer did I feel that people were interested in what I was doing. I started feeling inadequate that I wasn’t doing enough, or being enough. Why wasn’t I able to be a super Mum at the same time as being a super contributer to the paid work force, have a super clean house, a super happy hubby and to add - be having regular ‘time out’ nights and weekends away from my child!? A touch of self doubt crept in my mind. Luckily for me, my wonderful husband and family soon cleared the fog from my head and rejuvinated my confidence and self content.
Now I’ve learnt not to read too much into other’s comments. I no longer introduce my former self (my previous occupation) and am proud to show my contentment to others. I now have the approach that I shouldn’t let myself down by trying to fit into what I percieve as anyone else’s expectations. And if I inspire or attract someone who is like-minded by being truthful about my happiness as a full time Mum - then I’ve found a friend. If I encounter someone who doesn’t understand - perhaps I’ve given them another point of view to think about and open them to another perspective and experience.
And my last comment is something beautiful my Dad said to me a number of months ago when I chatted to him about this very topic. I spoke to him about how in my previous work I would get acknowledgement for my achievements and that I felt frustrated that this had changed. He looked staight at me - and said - look at your daughter in about 34 years time (referring to me of course) - and you know what - you will see that no one else in the world will ever have to give you validation or acknowledge for what you’ve achieved as a parent - because you will see it before your eyes, and you will know that everything you have done - was more than worth it. Thanks Dad!!
Hi Bec,
Ultimately the choice to return to work or not is up to you and your family; only you can decide what will work or not. On a money side it is worthwhile doing the sums, taking into account paying for tax, childcare, work clothes and the loss of family tax benefits versus what you will earn. On a career side, that is something only you know. If it is personal fulfillment or a feeling of contributing more to society than the fabulous job of a mother, it may be worthwhile considering some volunteer work. There are literally dozens of organisations, such as the Australian Breastfeeding Association (ABA), playgroups or the Child Health Association if you want something to do with kids that your kids can come to and be involved in too, or there are hospitals, red cross, meals on wheels, just to mention a few. The beauty of volunteer work (apart from the buzz!) is the flexibility; that it fits in around your lifestyle; the times and days that it suits you, and if your kids are sick then everything stops until they are better.
Best of luck in whatever you choose to do.
I work as a freelancer and my 8 mth old son shares his days with his dad, Nanna and me. In between projects I love being ‘just a mum’. And he loves it too. I miss him so much when I am working and find myself wrapping up meetings fast so I can rush home for bathtime. I wish I could be ‘just a mum’ all the time but financially that is not possible. At least by working for myself I can still fit in playdates, playgroup and just hanging out with him. For those mums who do that 24/7 - cherish every moment. Being a mum is the best job in the world.
This topic really gets me wound up, It really upsets me how undervalued mothers are in our society, particularly those who chose to stay at home which is often not just a matter of being lucky and having a partner who can support you, it invloves a great deal of sacrifice, downshifting and finacial worry. I’ve been a SAHM for six years now (apart from a little part time work here and there). I recently went to a family wedding and an older male relative started on me as to when I would go back to work and what a waste all my study and training had been and that I must go back now to save my career and ease the finacial burden off my husband. He told me he had employed many working mothers including single parents to three children and they can do it so why couldn’t I.
Even when I said that we were trying for another baby, he just wouldn’t let up, mind you this man never had children (Thank God!) and obviously doesn’t understand the value of parenting full stop!
It is a shame that no matter what women chose, staying at home or going back to work, they are criticised and not given the respect and support they deserve. Sadly often their greatest critics are other mothers, Mother Judgement is nasty, cruel and undermines a mother’s confidence but unfortunatley is rife in our competitive, self centred society.
We could all make a difference by supporting each other and each others choices or a the very least just holding our tongues at times.
Mummamouse - I can relate to your feelings. I’m also full time SAHM and am pretty passionate about the topic. Imagine what reactions I experienced when I even finished work prior to starting a family - a good 12 months before my daughter was born - simply to take care of myself prior to a baby, ourselves as a family and then my unborn baby when I was pregnant. Now that was really beyond most people’s comprehension! But to my hubby and I, nothing was more important than taking care of our family. To stay at home - I’ve improvised as much as possible, and we budget everything. I’ve even calculated the savings I make on washing nappies each week.
Financially it is tight. And yes - I too have study and training behind me. So I can relate from that perspective too. I’d just like to let you know I am a like minded Mum. I think what you are doing is terrific!! What an interesting life story you and your family already have and will continue to have, full of many rich and wonderful experiences that you are there a part of each and every day. You and I know that financial status does not equate to happiness and it certainly doesn’t give you sole right to being a valued member of society.
Can I also add (ooops! didn’t mean to submit before I had finished my comment!)…. that the Mums I know are all in completely different positions regarding staying at home or returnng to work. Sometimes I don’t like to say too much about my choice of being a SAHM, for fear of offending or giving someone else the impression I don’t respect the choices they have made for themselves or their family. As I certainly do.
But isn’t it funny….. that I should feel I have to excuse showing my support to other SAHM’s for fear I’m contributing to being yet another ‘competitive and judgemental’ Mum. It’s a hard one sometimes.