Bad Mummy Days (or daze!)
“I’ve had the day from hell!” Melbourne mum, Monique Geaney was debriefing after a horror day that included a very scary car accident. Monique’s car was a right-off but thankfully nobody was injured and her toddler was in child care, rather than strapped into the kiddy seat where she would have borne the brunt of the crash. Shaken, Monique had called a friend to come and help her. They picked up Monique’s two year old and went for a coffee. But instead of calming Monique’s shattered nerves, the day spiralled totally out of control when her two year old ran behind the counter of the coffee shop and split her head on a milk crate. With blood everywhere, there was now a dash to hospital and a flood of emotions for Monique, from guilt (if only…) and self blame to ‘why me?’
A ‘bad day’ doesn’t have to be defined by extreme drama such as a trip to emergency or a cancelled holiday. Any day that spirals out of control – whatever that means to an individual mum - can see mothers beating up on themselves and questioning their competence. This week, I have seen a spate of new mums who have been trying desperately to follow a particularly rigid baby care manual and, when the very strict routine has gone pear shaped, it seems the entire day (and the mummy) has fallen apart as these women ask, ‘what am I doing wrong?’
Amanda Cox. Aka “Mad cow’ is the owner of website Real Mums (www.realmums.com.au) where mothers are encouraged to be honest about their ‘mumming’ as they support one another. Amanda believes that bad days are created by ‘shoulds’. She says, “pressure can be internal (due to our own expectations) or external (feeling influenced by others’ expectations), but we need to banish the pressure to perform.” As the mum of two littlies and a baby, Amanda understands bad mummy days, first hand. The week of this interview she had her own dramas which ranged from an ultrasound that showed some complications with her pregnancy (but, thankfully turned out fine), then as she was waving her husband off for a holiday with the two older children (and gleefully expecting a few days of child-free mummy relaxation time), it turned out that the trip had to be delayed because one child’s passport had expired.
Although this was an extreme week for Amanda, she is also familiar with the ‘average bad mummy day’. She says, “a bad day can start with the simplest thing – a spilt drink or a child insisting on the blue shorts when these are in the washing so you have suggested the yellow ones – and the bad day can perpetuate from there. When I get that ‘this day is heading downhill and its going down hill fast’ feeling, I have learned to take the pressure off myself and accept it. I don’t put myself in a situation where any more bad things can happen. The day stops right here if it’s a right off and we do something different – we might sit on the bed and read stories or I might have a bowl of ice-cream with the kids.
Amanda, who advises trying to see the funny side (which, of course, is unlikely to be apparent at the time) also organises an annual ‘Mums Night Out’ through her site where a ‘Real Mum of the Year’ is crowned. Last year’s winner was a mother of two young boys and a husband, all of whom allowed her to walk around for 3 hours with yesterday’s undies hanging out the back of her jeans!
Tell us and WIN!
Tell us about your own bad mummy days – what happened? Any coping tips?
The best 5 posts will win a gorgeous 2009 calendar from the Australian Breastfeeding Association – to help you keep track of all your mummy days. To order yourself or a mum you know one of these beautiful Calendars –visit http://www.breastfeeding.asn.au/products/calendar.html
As the mother of 2 boys under 3, I have seen my fair share of bad days. Days that continue into weeks of wearing our favourite cowboy pants to everyone sans naps! However, this Christmas, our eldests first real Christmas, we lost our baby at 10 weeks. It started Christmas Eve, hospital on Boxing Day, emotions still very raw. I myself am having some shocking days where I am completely irrational, make no sense, want to do nothing suggested as a means to feel better, but lie around and feel completely shite about the whole thing. My amazing partner, and even my two little lads, have persisted with cups of tea, hugs, and long walks. I might resist the urge at the time, but like hell, I appreciate the love during these times. I now console myself that our children must feel these same spiralling emotions - all part of the growing up process. Why aren’t my needs being met, why can’t they just leave me alone, why can’t I wear my cowboy pants anymore? Why isn’t it okay to use a stick as a rectal thermomitor for the dog? From now on, I promise to try and see it more from their point of view - their stressors, their emotions, their minds and just try and be there for their comfort, whether they think they need it or not.
What a valid topic. I do constantly comment on what a bad Mum I am to my 16 month old. Although I say it in jest, there is a twinge of guilt under the surface.
Simple things can bring it on when I’m trying to get her to sleep and after 30 minutes of crying I realise she’s hungry or needs a bad nappy change. I always think “how come it took me so long to realise this?”. Bad Mummy! Poor baby!
Then, 2 weeks ago I had my car in for repairs and was using a courtesy car. All was fine until we took a shopping trip to our local centre and I did the usual routine of strapping in baby, throwing in shopping, bag and keys to the front seat. Then when I tried to get in the drivers door, the central locking had locked me out! All I was holding was a white bunny rug. What a nightmare!
After tearing back into the centre and finding security, I found myself standing outside the car with three security guards waiting for the RACV to come rescue us. Not only did I feel soooooooo bad as a parent, but I had plenty of other people to witness it.
Everybody was great and it was literally 35 minutes from beginning to end however, I tell this story still feeling embarrassed and BAD. Never will I do it again. And I can be pretty sure the panel beater will be fixing the central locking on his cars!
Great Article Pinky, thanks for your never ending support for the mummies out there
Have great new year… its your year
Gail
I know when I think I will have a bad day when…in a complete ‘daze’ I am sleeping in the spare room so as to not wake my husband for when I know that my dear little man will wake up and want to come and sleep with me. Only when I hear his cry’s I am so tired I can’t find my way out of the bedroom. I head to the back of the bed only to realise that it isn’t the exit to the room, stumble back to the door, thinking it is closed and nearly walking into the wall when I get there.
I wake in the morning with my little boy snuggled next to me and I think no matter how many things can go ‘wrong’ he is the ultimate and nothing could ever be a bad day with him around. No matter how tired and dazed I am :o)
I have been having a few bad (constant crying, fighting with the husband) days recently, as my 2nd child (5 months old) isn’t sleeping very well in the day and is therefore very grumpy throughout the day. I have been becoming very anxious and stressed about trying to help him in the most loving way, while also being the best Mum that I can be to my darling 2 year old, Charlie. Last Sunday morning, as I was sitting on our bed feeling very sorry for myself as Matthew had woken up yet again after 40 minutes and was very grumpy, and my husband and I had had words yet again, but I still needed to finish the folding that had been sitting around for 2 days…anyway, Charlie came rolling into the room on his little push along car and asked “You okay, Mummy?” I instantly felt bad that my son was seeing me so unhappy and replied, “Mummy’s okay Charlie, I’m just feeling a bit sad about all the work I have to do.” Charlie replied, “I’ll help you, Mummy.” And he did!! I said, “Okay, thanks, would you like to put these bibs away in the drawer for Mummy?” Off he went riding his push car in to the kitchen and put the bibs away! It’s moments like those that make it all worthwhile. Thank you so much, Pinky, for your lovely supportive emails over the Christmas period and thank you for creating this opportunity for us to be honest and talk about the not so good times of being a Mummy and reflect on the positives as well.
Poor Lynda! Though I have often wondered how on earth you could lock your kid in the car - I worked it out the other day and, man, it’s SCARY!!
When i fuel up, i wind my son’s window down before I turn the car off. When i go to pay, I get him out through the window as the door is usually too close to the pump to open.
So, this day, I paid for fuel, and in a hurry (there were cars banked up waiting) I unlocked the car, threw the keys and wallet onto the front seat and put bub back in only to have the ’security’ function on the car lock me out.
Anyway, bless my 14month old for understanding “keys, ta for mummy!”.
Much to the frustration of the bank up of cars I had my legs hanging out the window whilst trying to push my son through to the front(there was no way I would have got him back). After he handed me the keys - i realised how absolutely lucky I was to have a brilliantly clever and obedient son even if he doesn’t sleep.
In fact, since my boy was born I haven’t had a stint longer than two - three hours and I have developed an unwelcome bout of insomnia as a result (my husband works away usually for weeks/months at a time). The other night i had my 17yr old niece sleeping over (in my bed - the spare beds were full). I realise that things had to change when I woke up patting her head saying “Shhh, Bubba, Shhh”
I feel I must be a bad mum because I did not ensure the father of my child was going to be a good father when I made my baby. Then I did not ensure I was financially stable before making my baby. Then I did not ensure I was emotionally stable before having my baby. Consequently, My poor baby suffered my rages, screaming and ranting from about one month of age. I know I’m doing it but I cant stop. THAT makes me a bad mum. But here’s the catch….I want another child!!!!