Mummy Matters

“We were out for dinner with friends, when she leaned across to him and said, “what would Daddy like to drink?”  Jenna, now a mum of a toddler recalls, “this was before we had children of our own and I clearly remember my partner and I were mortified that our friends’ relationship had been reduced to them being ‘mummy ‘and ‘daddy’ to each other, especially when their child wasn’t around.  Jenna then chuckles as she confesses, “only the other day I caught myself saying, “Daddy, could you please take the rubbish out.”  Our child was there playing with my partner, but it was bit of a surprise to think we could be sliding down this slippery slope too.”

 The reality is, that no matter how prepared you are for the practical aspects of becoming parents, a whole freezer full of frozen casseroles can’t prepare you for the effects a baby will have on your relationship. Relationship counsellor and childbirth educator Rhea Dempsey  ( www.birthingwisdom.com.au) specialises in supporting couples as they become a family. According to Rhea, a lot of the difficulties that arise when partners become parents can be attributed to gender issues. She says,   “many contemporary couples plan to have equal roles as parents and this can be reflected in language such as ‘we are pregnant,’ or ‘we are going to breastfeed.’  In reality, the mother is the one who is pregnant, gives birth and breastfeeds and because of this, at least in the early weeks and months, parenting roles naturally peak strongly into gender roles. And, as the romantic notions of being a family conflict with the constant demands of caring for a baby, it is natural to have ambivalent feelings about your parenting role and your relationship. It can help to talk about the role models of your own parents and what expectations might be triggered under stress.”

Rhea explains that gender differences can also affect intimacy between partners. Using an acronym “CISS”, which stands for Communication, Intimacy, Sensuality and Sex, Rhea says, “the pathway to bonding and connection is biologically in opposite directions for men and women: for women, communication leads to intimacy, which leads to sensuality and then to sex.  Women want and need to feel connected through sharing the effort and joy of caring for their child and then they are more open to sensuality and sex. For men, feelings that they are on the outside of the close mother-baby unit which, of course is necessary for the baby to thrive, can see them also wanting to restore the connection with their partner. Men are programmed to do this through sex which, instead of being seen as a pathway to intimacy and communication by the mother, is often seen as a demand that can be overwhelming on top of the unrelenting needs of the baby.”

Rhea says, “when couples understand these differences, they can connect without judgement and resentment. It is important to check in regularly with each other about how you are feeling and after those intense early weeks, to .keep the connection alive by prioritising time and attention to your couple relationship.”

From the coalface of intense parenting of two little ones, Donna Sheppard- Wright, early parenting educator/doula (www.nurturebirthsupport.com.au ) and Melbourne facilitator of Beer and Bubs ( www.beerandbubs.com.au  - a program that helps fathers learn how to support partners during birth) says,   “it’s great to have a strong physical relationship, but even greater to be able to give each other unconditional emotional support as we journey into the period of sleepless nights, altered emotions and hormonal changes that make many days seem endless. We need to recognise that we may do things for each other we haven’t in the past, for the simple reason that we can see the other needs support, and can give them a boost by recognising that without even being asked. It is possible for a couple’s love to grow stronger while raising their children.  Parenting gives us amazing skills to master our emotions, and harness the love we came into the relationship for and this cam be reflected back to us in our daily lives through our children.”

“We were friends for about five years before we had babies -we worked together and at weekends we partied together. Later, we spent holidays together with our respective partners. Then we had children.  As we have journeyed through pregnancies and into parenthood, the differences between our styles of parenting are so glaringly obvious that it’s become uncomfortable, to put it mildly, “says Andrea, mother of a two year old and a newborn.

Children and friendships can be a volatile mix, whether your friends are also having babies or not. Katie, mum of a four year old says, “I felt as though my single girlfriends all abandoned me when I had my baby. They became stressed if she cried and I needed to interrupt a conversation to attend to her. I don’t think they could cope with my attention being focussed on my baby and they really didn’t understand that I had to plan around her to meet up.”

Katie is now comfortable with the reality that her parenting style has defined her friendships with other mothers as well as her former friends. She says, “I found the greatest differences for most of my friends with children were around feeding and sleeping – who was breastfeeding, who wasn’t and who believed in things like controlled crying and who didn’t. Later, when the children became toddlers who pushed and shoved each other, different discipline styles also came into play. Although we weren’t critical of each other, we skirted issues and tip toed around each other. This takes a lot of energy so while some friendships became closer, others gradually drifted apart as we found our groove as different kinds of mothers.”

Andrea has made wonderful friends within her local mums’ group- sharing children to give each other breaks or attend appointments and dropping off meals if somebody is having a tough time. She says, “this is a really nurturing experience for me as a mother.”  However, this isn’t the case for Andrea and her former work colleague. She says, “the right to make different “choices” aside, my partner and I decided that it is not worth making a big effort with friendships that are on different tracks entirely. Sometimes I felt that the only thing we have in common is that we both have children and live in the same city! It all came to a crunch in our minds when my friend’s partner got really angry with their daughter one evening. Their two year old was tired and ready for bed, but they were making her wait until it fitted with them to take her home. She got angry and started kicking and shouting, which was typical for a small tired toddler, but rather than compassion she was scolded and sent for ‘time out’ in a dark room alone. She was terrified!  Our toddler was also upset, seeing it happened in our house. We saw a lack of respect that night that made us wonder about the time and energy we put into friendships, and when to let go of ones that are heading off on a different tangent.”

If a friendship is really important to us, sometimes we can redesign that friendship and meet on terms that work for both of us. We can agree to disagree on issues that are sensitive and accept that each mother is trying to do her best for her children – her way – even though this isn’t necessarily the way we do things in our own families.  However, we also have a responsibility to protect our children. For instance, if you have a friend with a sedate baby who sits in her pram while you do lunch and your child is a climber, it is unfair to get cross with your little monkey. It may be better to meet in a park or catch up without children occasionally. Or, if maintaining a friendship feels too stressful, it may be time to examine what it really means to you.

As Andrea says, “it is better for us to use that time and energy to be happy with people who make us feel good and support our choices and for our friends to find people who support their choices too.”

Box

Playing nicely

·        Meet on neutral territory – in a park or playground (not a restaurant with white table cloths!)

·        Listen and acknowledge each other  - you can agree to disagree (at least some times)

·        If you feel pressured to compromise your values or your parenting style, move on, treading gently, without blame.

Pinky McKay is an International Board Certified Lactation Consultant, Infant Massage instructor, mother of five and author. For information about Pinky’s  books ‘Sleeping Like a Baby’or ‘Toddler Tactics’ (Penguin),  or classes  for parents, visit www.pinkymckay.com.au

“If you guys give me any more crap today, I’ll take you to the animal shelter –and leave you there!” I yelled at my son and his mates (when they were about ten years old) after a  “no-sleep over” which had deteriorated into a mid morning farting competition in the living room. Thankfully, they were all old enough to know I couldn’t be serious, even though I was feeling seriously stressed. Instead, it seemed I had unwittingly created a diversion as their conversation turned to cleaning kennels and abandoned animals.

Why is it, I wondered as I took some deep slow breaths, that just when we feel pushed to the absolute limit, our kids seem to be deliberately out to ‘get us’? As they catapult us directly into our ‘out of control’ zone, we react in ways that are irrational and way out of proportion to the event. We open our mouths to teach our kids a lesson and out comes – our mother! Not only are we the parent we don’t want to be, we have turned into the parent we swore we would never become.

This ‘road rage’ of parenting can happen to the best of us. And just as road rage isn’t usually about the road, our reactions when our kids wind us up are often about something much deeper than simple annoyance or concern for their well-being (as we may justify). In fact, it’s more likely to be about our needs (for order and control) than theirs (for understanding and connection).

When we react to our kids behaviour and snap, or say things we regret, we go on ‘automatic’. Daniel Goleman, author of ‘Emotional Intelligence’ refers to automatics as ‘emotional hijacking’, describing our normally rational mind as being swamped by emotions. Automatics are our attempt to control our child’s behaviour in order for us to feel better and for them to react differently.

Yet, when we allow our kids to wind us up, our attempts to control the situation become futile – we lose authority, break connection and both of us usually end up feeling angry, defensive, frightened and inadequate, so nothing productive can be learned.

The complaint, “if only my child would change (clean her room, stop dawdling in he morning, get out of the shower before all the hot water is used, stop leaving homework until the last minute, or whatever else drives you crazy), my life wouldn’t be so difficult,” is all too familiar to Melbourne psychologist Betty Chetcuti. According to Betty, who offers counselling and workshops for stressed mothers (www.beingamother.com - counselling and workshops are claimable on medicare), it is more productive to change our own attitudes, and examining our expectations is a good place to begin. Instead of thinking all good kids should clean their rooms for instance, we can ask, what else is happening for this child? Or, if a toddler spills a drink, perhaps it is because the glass is too full or he is tired.

Even when the button pushing seems deliberate, it is important to ask, what is happening here? It may be an effort to connect with a busy or distracted parent, regardless of the reaction it will elicit, or it could be that a child is having difficulty expressing feelings.

If things do get to boiling point, try stepping back – literally. If your child has used bad language for instance, slowing down will enable you to consider a different approach.  Sure-fire calming tips for when we reach our limits include taking deep abdominal breaths, or vigorous exercise such as jumping on the trampoline – with the kids! A long bushwalk with my son and his mates had the desired calming effects on all of us – we were too worn out to push each other’s buttons for the rest of the day.

Remember, it’s a normal biological reaction to yell if we feel threatened, and sometimes we can’t avoid yelling, but we can actively model stress management for our child and there is always value in thinking how could I have done things differently?

Know your buttons – become aware of what happens when you get wound up. What are you feeling? (rage? hopelessness? resentment?) What happens physically? Recognise these early warning signs that your buttons are being pushed. As soon as you feel yourself becoming wound up, take a deep breath and step back. You won’t be able to do anything effective if you explode.

Look behind the behaviour – remind yourself that your child is having a problem, not being a problem. Try to work out what is behind the behaviour, even if the button pushing seems deliberate.

Get real – are your expectations realistic for your child’s stage of development, current stress levels or individual personality? You don’t have to allow inconsiderate behaviour, but you may have to cut some slack at times, such as when your tot is tired or hungry, your five year old is adapting to school, or your teen is overloaded with study.

I feel enormous empathy with new mothers desperately trying to make sense of the massive upheaval that I call the REAL change of life.  Some days all I can promise is that you will make it to the light at the end of the tunnel –and no, that the tiny glimmer in the distance isn’t the headlight of a train coming to rock your already wobbly world.

I have though thought long and hard about how we do get through with our sanity (mostly) intact. Of course, there are those who would debate the definitions of ‘sanity’ and  ‘intact’ and I am the first to acknowledge that we become changed beings through the journey of mothering small (and not so small) people, but I  am utterly convinced that the most important survival factor for any mum is great girlfriends.

Being there for each other is what girlfriends do.  When I was threatening to miscarry my third baby, my friend Sue came and cleaned my house – even the toilet. She  simply arrived with food and whipped around without a fuss. I had met Sue a few years earlier when she moved from another town for her husband’s new job managing an art gallery.  On her husband’s first day at this new job, Sue went into premature labour and called me (a mutual friend had given her my phone number) desperately seeking somebody to care for her two toddlers. For the next few weeks, Sue’s children shared their days with my tots who were, coincidentally, the same ages, while she walked the precarious line of trying to hang onto her pregnancy until her baby was viable (he grew into a healthy young fellow).

This time, when my baby arrived, my husband was studying at night classes and Sue’s husband was home early. Her kids also went to bed earlier than mine so when my baby had her evening crying time (night after night), Sue would often just ‘arrive’ and either walk my baby while I put the boys to bed or she would read my boys their bedtime stories and tuck them up.

The best thing about good girlfriends is that, as well as sharing our triumphs (he slept four hours straight last night!), we can talk openly about our feelings (I feel like running away – without a lover!) our fantasies (all I want is a loo somewhere – in peace!) and our failings (when will I enjoy sex again?) without feeling judged. They understand and accept us where we are at right now and they let us vent without trying to give advice, tell us we ‘have choices’ or try to ‘fix’ things (like our partners often do). They are also confident enough in our friendships to tell it to us straight when we need some perspective, like the time I expressed my frustration over one of my wilful daughters. As I exclaimed, “where the hell did I get this child?” the girlfriend who knew me all too well, presented me with an ‘aha’ moment when she replied, “she’s just like her mother!”  

No matter how busy we are in the everyday muddle of motherhood, it is important to nurture our friendships with our girlfriends – with a phone call, an email, a coffee( with or without kids in tow). It is this support circle that will see us through the ups and downs and help us make it through. We will collect new friends and some of the older ones may drop away due to changing circumstances. This is healthy too – as our children grow we will each need differing support networks: my own mother ‘hood’ now includes women who reflect differing facets of my mothering journey (some aren’t mothers and others aren’t partnered), but my best girlfriends are the handful of women who have shared the journey of watching our babies grow from playgroups to parties and everything in between – we can still have a good whinge or laugh and cry together. But best of all, I don’t have to explain myself and neither do they.     

I have just returned from visiting another lovely, intelligent mother who is doing a wonderful job with her baby, but is convinced she must be doing ‘everything wrong’. She feels guilty that she has messed up her baby’s early days (she hasn’t at all!); she feels inadequate because (she thinks) she can’t read her baby’s cues (she is making perfect eye-contact with her baby - their connection is  like a  lovers’ gaze and as we talk, she intuitively comforts her baby or changes his position at the slightest grimace or squirm); she feels guilty that she has stressed her baby about feeding. The baby was refusing to breastfeed after some inappropriate advice and now the mum is beating up on herself for listening to the advice that made things more difficult. But really, what choice did she have? Her baby was unsettled (as newborns often are), so what desperate, sleep deprived mother wouldn’t be ready to grasp at whatever straw was being offered if it sounded reasonable at the time – or was being offered by somebody who seemed more experienced about babies than a brand new mum?

Sadly, this isn’t an isolated incident. Almost every day lately, I seem to be visiting or speaking to beautiful attuned mothers who are totally confused and convinced that they are ‘bad mothers’ or that they are failing their babies in some way or another.

It seems that everybody has been at these women,  telling them they are ‘doing it wrong’ or not following ‘the rules’, depending on what rules their critic thinks they should follow or which book they have slavishly been trying to follow ( which, of course, came highly recommended by a friend or acquaintance who found it worked for their baby).  In the vulnerable state of new mummy-hood, these formerly competent woman are feeling overwhelmed enough by their new life (the little one in their arms most of the day, that is) without also being undermined as they struggle to nurture their babies with the very best intent - to be the best mothers they can be. 

While it is great to be informed - to read, to ask questions and to watch what other parents do with their children - it is also important to remember that each baby is different and every family is unique. When you try to follow a single, one sized set of rules, and it doesn’t apply to your individual baby, it can do your head in. It is also important to bear in mind that  what may have seemed perfectly logical before you actually met your baby, may not feel right now. This doesn’t mean you have lost the plot or ‘given in’ especially if you find yourself being less ‘organised’ than you had planned to be.  As well as a whole new job spec, you have a new set of hormones to work with. These are actually nature’s tools - these ‘new mummy’ hormones help you feel responsive towards your baby and this is why you feel confused as you take on advice from the lady next door, your best friend or the lady in the supermarket (who advised one couple, “if she cries, don’t pick her up!” even though the baby was perfectly content in her pram at the time), especially if it involves dire warnings about spoiling your baby.  

Instead of stressing about what you ‘should’ be doing with your baby, remind yourself that the cuddle police won’t come knocking on your door: hold your baby in your arms and look deeply into those dark navy blue eyes. As you spend time talking and listening to your little one, you will become aware of his language and you will become skilled at communicating. As this happens, you will naturally develop confidence – that you are the expert about your baby.

Before you had your baby, all your friends said about your partner, “he will be a wonderful Dad!”  Now though, you are wondering, where is the evidence?  At first he was enthusiastic: he changed nappies and carried your baby on his big strong arms as she cried with colic, he brought you drinks when you were feeding and he threw washing in the machine. But, somehow, he has stopped helping. In fact, he has almost disappeared off the parenting scene altogether– he is working later and when he is around he doesn’t offer to help any more. Now, he barely seems to have the energy or inclination to talk to you, let alone discuss parenting goals.

Consider, could your partner’s lack of enthusiasm be due to your never ending complaints about the help he tried to give you in the early days? Although you felt you were just explaining how to do things properly, could each little ‘tip’ about the ‘right way’ to hold your baby; how whites and colours don’t mix in the wash; or how to put her head in her singlet have taken their toll on your partner’s confidence? Could he be feeling left out and unappreciated or, even worse, relegated to the status of your apprentice (and a very junior one at that)? Could he be wondering why his beloved has become such a demanding princess or, even worse, a harping bitch?  I

When you try and look at things from your less than helpful partner’s perspective, it really isn’t a mystery why he is spending more time at work. This is where he feels competent and he is spared from endless complaints about his well-meaning efforts to share parenting.

In all fairness, your super protective drive to care for your baby so vigilantly doesn’t mean you have turned into an irreversible control freak. Rather, it is due to the natural, biological effects of a potent hormonal cocktail that begins to brew during late pregnancy and peaks after birth. This potent ‘chemistry of attachment’ is designed for infant survival and the all consuming nurturing behaviour it promotes is so well-recognised that scientists have labelled it ‘the motherhood mindset’ or ‘maternal pre-occupation’.

By being aware of your strong maternal urges to do everything the ‘right way’ for your baby, you may be able to tame your inner mother lioness and begin to trust your partner with more baby care. Then, the more involved he becomes with his child, the more he will want to be involved. You see, fathers too can be affected by a hormonal shift that helps them become attuned to their babies – as long as they are ‘hands on’. For instance, skin contact with their babies will stimulate a release of hormones that encourage responsiveness and eye contact will encourage the release of beta-endorphins, the hormones of pleasure and reward (which make them want to engage even more).

So, rather than correct your partner’s every effort or even try to explain how things ‘should’ be done, try to actively encourage interaction between your baby and partner. It really won’t matter if baby gets a bit of bathwater in his eyes or his nappy is back to front occasionally (practice really will make perfect here – watch quietly as he tries to undo those tabs next time!).  And, if your inner mother lioness begins to roar, step back (literally!): go and have a quiet cuppa as your partner has a bath with your baby or gives him a massage. And remember to tell your guy what a wonderful support he is and how you love watching him when he tells your baby funny stories, rocks him to sleep snuggled against his chest, sings songs to her (whatever, but give him tangible evidence that you have noticed his efforts).

Even if it feels that your feedback is only a wishful affirmation at this stage, it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy if your partner feels appreciated for his efforts rather than a hopeless klutz who can’t do anything right. After all, you made your baby together, it is important for your child and your relationship to parent together.

“Now, let’s go round the circle and introduce ourselves,” said the mums’ group facilitator. “And, as you introduce yourself, please tell us one thing you have achieved this week.” As each mum told the group, “I have taken my toddler to the park every day this week,” I have an amazing new routine that gives me and my partner quality time”, “my baby is sleeping straight through,” the woman sitting next to me blurted, “I am wearing my husband’s underpants – I’ve had a crap week and I haven’t even done the washing!” 

 Oh how I loved that woman! We became best friends – no pretence, no expectations, no pressure. Just complete honesty, whether we were having great days or not.

 The thing is, we usually only get to see other mums with their happy faces on. Isn’t that what we all do?  There is so much pressure to be seen as ‘coping’ (don’t you hate that word), that we often don’t even venture out on the tough days. Sadly, this fuels the conspiracy of silence that tells us everybody else is ok. Chances are they too are fumbling in the dark, at least some of the time.  

Perhaps as your own confidence improves you might like to try a bit of honesty and help another mum feel better. Or, if you dare to speak up, your bravery may just help you find a genuine friend who isn’t perfect either.

 This is much harder than I thought it would be

Before you actually had a baby of your own, you probably imagined them sleeping or smiling just like in the soft focus television advertisements. Chances are, you thought you would have heaps of time to catch up with friends for lattes and even redecorate your home – all the things you didn’t have the time or energy for while you were pregnant and still ‘working’. 

 Nobody mentioned that even an easy baby will take at LEAST nine hours of basic care each day – around the clock! Or that your life would be totally unpredictable and you would feel isolated and exhausted a lot of the time. And, if you have a crying baby, how you could spend most of the day with your little one in your arms wondering what you are doing wrong.

Please, give yourself credit – you are still standing (even if you are also walking the floor).  Tell yourself you are doing a wonderful job – you really are! Look into those deep navy blue eyes, smell that soft downy head and breathe – deeply and slowly. Here is your proof – the little bundle that loves you unconditionally (and incessantly). And if things really are too much to bear, please call for help. Remember, you are not imposing – it is a privilege to be invited to share the love of a baby.  

Will everyone stop giving me advice?

It can seem that everybody has an opinion about how you should bring up your baby and so much advice is conflicting that it’s enough to undermine even the most confident woman awash with motherly hormones and in charge of a tiny helpless being. One useful tip when you are facing a slew of advice is to pretend you are standing next to an open window.  Take a deep slow breath and imagine the advice blowing past you, out of the window.  It can help to put on your vaguest expression and with a bit of luck they will stop trying to ‘get through’ to you.

If a family member or friend is trying to be helpful say, “thank-you, I’ll remember that.”  (Then do whatever works for you and your baby).  Or, you could tell them politely but firmly, “this works for us,” or ‘(baby’s name) responds really well to …(whatever you are doing)

It really isn’t worth wasting energy trying to educate people who have very different views to you unless you are feeling very strong or passionate.  If they are being forceful, try bringing in the big guns. Say, “our pediatrician/ child health nurse/ lactation consultant has told us …” Then change the conversation.

  Remember, this is your baby – you know her best and if any advice feels uncomfortable to you discard it, wherever it comes from. And, when you are feeling really frustrated, perhaps you could consider Oscar Wilde’s advice: “The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any use to oneself.”

Mummy, Mum, Mama, or Mommy – what does your child call you? If he has no carers from parts of the world where children call their mother ‘Mommy’ could your child’s primary carer be a television screen?

Yes, I am having a bitch: I am feeling sad at seeing so many littlies propped in front of television (sure, it’s helpful to buy a few minutes to get dinner, feed the baby or have a shower but in my humble opinion it is downright neglectful to disengage from a child as he stares mindlessly at a screen for many hours of the day ). I am aghast at tiny tots with their own DVD players that are taken out every time the children go in the car (whatever happened to pointing out moo-cows and horsies and big trucks, or singing silly songs – in your own native accent - with little kids in cars?). Often, the child’s DVD player is taken into homes and watched as families visit (despite interesting people to see and interact with). Then there are the homes where a big screen television is blaring away in the background all day – often on a cable kids’ channel (children learn through interactive play, not passive watching that steals their train of thought as it diverts their concentration).

Even worse than small children being baby sat by television, are babies propped in front of a screen.  I can hear you arguing defensively, “but we only let our children watch educational television.” The truth is that brain pathways are laid down by responsive and loving interaction that is attuned to your baby or small child. Physical exercise is also imperative for infants to develop integrated sensory and motor skills that form foundations for later learning such as reading and writing. A big screen is not in the least responsive or attuned to a child and certainly doesn’t encourage motor skills, unless you count the junk food advertisements that may have children racing to the refrigerator.  Yet, sadly, parents and children are being exploited by clever marketing. I feel like committing an act of vandalism every time I browse bookshelves and see another DVD pack that enthuses how intelligent it will make your infant, implying that you are a neglectful mummy(or mommy!) if you deprive your child of this opportunity for educational enhancement.

I should confess –I wear the ‘total bitch’ mummy badge for acts of vandalism against television in my own home: Many years ago, we inherited my grandparents’ old black and white television when they got a brand new colour set. At first I switched on to watch playschool with my toddler. When we switched it off we made whatever had been on playschool that day – with glue, string and empty cardboard boxes ( think cars, cubbies and kites!). Then the rot set in. My husband who had grown up with television (I hadn’t) would walk in the door after work and switch on television – oblivious to our toddler.  Things got a bit ugly as the toddler tried all manner of real live drama to get Daddy’s attention.   Family therapy was in order – namely a television-ectomy.  I had a fiddle with the set until it was pretty fuzzy then told my husband that one of the dads at playgroup was a television technician and his diagnosis was ‘unfixable’. Many wonderful years of family interaction later, I admitted that a perfectly healthy TV had been taken to the local tip - by my husband himself!

Years later, my dear dad bought our poor deprived kids a new television. One night I was cooking dinner; the baby was pulling herself up on my leg and the older kids started arguing over the television. I was chopping parsley and threatened to cut the cord if they didn’t switch it off.  They did – but only momentarily. So I walked over and, with scissors in hand, snipped the cord ( without switching it off!). Fortunately the scissors had a plastic handle and thankfully my husband, who had just pulled into the driveway, didn’t call a psychiatric triage.  Once again we enjoyed a family life of communication and healthy activities like bike rides and evening walks and of course lots of cardboard and glue and kites and cubbies.

I am not for a moment recommending such drastic action by parents – it’s pretty violent role-modelling for a start – but please do switch off your television more often and tune into your little ones before they start calling you “Mommy”. 

When will my baby sleep all night? Will my toddler ever stop waking at five in the morning? When will he walk and talk? When will they clean their teeth? When will they tidy their rooms?

 At every stage of our children’s lives we ask, “when will they?” What we really mean is when will it get easier – for us?

Some years ago as I dropped my youngest child at the classroom door, another mother asked, “when do they ‘let go’?” This mother had a baby on her hip and a toddler clinging to her leg. Her then six year old also needed a fair dose of her mum’s support and attention.  My six year old was our youngest child – the bonus baby (the baby you have when all the others can run their own baths, tie their own shoelaces and even drive their own cars!).  I knew this mum desperately needed to hear that it would get easier, that one day she wouldn’t feel like a piece of meat with three little puppies squabbling over her. I had been there too but now that I also had teenagers, I knew all too well that it wasn’t always easier just because kids grew bigger. It seemed too patronising to say, “enjoy it while it lasts,” or, “at least you know who they are sleeping with and what they are drinking.” And if I told her that she could trust the natural processes of her children to become independent, would she believe me anyway? 

I don’t remember what I told that mum so long ago but our kids are now teenagers and recently, my son asked me if I could pick up his former classmate and a friend from a nearby station. Our kids haven’t seen each other for years but have recently met up again. His clingy little friend is now a very articulate, confident young woman. I asked the girls, “Anna where does your mum think you are?”  “At Jesses,” she replied. “Jess, where does your mum think you are?”  (Yes, you guessed), “at Anna’s.”  We have a rule that kids must call their parents if they are staying the night at our house so the girls (albeit, reluctantly) called their respective parents.

Although we wish for each stage to become easier, it isn’t easy to change or control nature’s blueprint, no matter how hard we might try, whether our kids are toddlers or teens. But we can change our own attitudes.  When my baby granddaughter was tiny, I was amazed at how easily my daughter-in-law seemed to adapt to night feeds  and broken sleep.  She told me, “I just think of the times I would have worked late then done an early next morning. I survived on less than five hours sleep then and this is much nicer.”  Another mum told me, “I’m not getting up to shovel coal, I am getting up to cuddle my baby.”

When it seems really hard, it may help to remind ourselves that we can trust nature’s plan. Babies do eventually sleep all night (honestly!) and your toddler won’t still be waking at 5am when he is fifteen (tip: a few frozen peas in the bed can be helpful on school mornings). You may have to wait a while for clean rooms - at least until they understand the value of money. If they are having friends over they may even clean the kitchen and the bathroom as well (it is embarrassing to have an untidy mother). They will clean their teeth without being reminded when they start kissing. And they will eventually let go – whether we are ready or not.

If you are feeling overwhelmed right now, take a deep breath, be still, look deeply into those dark navy blue eyes and breathe that sweet baby smell, enjoy that cheeky toddler laughter and trust – this too shall pass. It will, all too soon. I promise!