Recently, as I searched for some long term evidence of the benefits of parent-infant co-sleeping, I came across a study of college age subjects which found that males who had co-slept with their parents between birth and five years not only had significantly higher self esteem, they experienced less guilt and anxiety and reported greater frequency of sex. 

Although I am uncertain how to objectively validate my own (or my kids’) experience in terms of this particular research, I can comfortably concur with the wealth of evidence that supports co-sleeping as an integral part of mother- infant bonding.  (In this article, co-sleeping is defined as mother and baby sleeping within sensory proximity of each other including, but not necessarily, bed-sharing).

Science confirms what instinct has always sung in the hearts of mothers - that nature prepares mothers and babies to be able to commence their attachment as soon as the baby is born: Immediately after a natural birth, certain hormones that are part of the birth process remain at high levels within the mother’s and baby’s bodies and play a crucial role in the formation of their relationship. If this delicate balance of hormones is allowed to function in the very first moments after birth, by keeping mother and baby warm, in skin to skin contact with each other, and free of distractions, mother and baby are exquisitely, chemically, primed to fall in love with each other

Fortunately, whatever the birthing experience, it seems that nature allows more than a single chance to cement the foundation for a loving relationship and to reinforce the bonding process. Learning to love is an ongoing process for mother and baby and hormones continue to play an important role – day and night! 

As women breastfeed, for instance, they receive doses of the love hormones oxytocin – which stimulates the milk ejection reflex and prolactin, which has a calming effect on a mother as she breastfeeds. Endorphins, the hormones of pleasure and transcendence are also released during breastfeeding and encourage the mother to repeat the breastfeeding experience. In turn, endorphins are transferred in the mother’s milk to her baby, giving the child a sense of contentment as he or she breastfeeds.  Since prolactin levels are highest during night feeds, it makes sense to consider that proximity to her infant at night would elevate the loving feelings a mother would feel for her infant. Perhaps, without pressure to teach their babies to sleep all night as soon as possible, mothers could appreciate night-time breastfeeds as an extra opportunity to bond with their babies.

For any mother snuggling a baby against her body, nuzzling her face into her infant’s baby-fine hair and smelling that sweet newborn breath, research to show that mothers and babies feel best when they are close to each other is about as necessary as research to show that grass will grow if it rains.  However, there is indeed scientific evidence that mothers and babies are hardwired to the experience of togetherness.

One argument in favour of continuous mother-baby togetherness is that infants get to know and bond with their mother through all of their senses – eye contact, the sounds of the mother’s voice, her touch and her smell.

Attachment, the process of ‘learning to love’, is a behavioural system that operates 24 hours a day. It does not deactivate during sleep, where infants spend up to 60 percent of their time. As obstetrician Michel Odent observes “It takes only the most elementary observation to see that a baby needs its mother even more during the night than in the daylight. In the dark, the baby’s predominant sense – sight – is at rest. Instead, the baby needs to use its sense of touch through skin-to-skin contact, and its sense of smell.”

According to Professor James McKenna, director of the mother baby sleep laboratory at the University of Notre Dame, Indiana, “co-sleeping is a safe and even potentially life saving option, as long as parents provide a safe sleeping environment (see box).” Professor McKenna has extensively studied mothers and babies both co-sleeping and sleeping separately and his research demonstrates what co-sleeping mothers will attest to: when mothers and babies sleep together, they tend to get into the same sleep cycle. The mothers, even in deep sleep were aware of their babies’ positions and would move to avoid lying on them or impeding their breathing. Although the co-sleeping babies spent less time in deep sleep and aroused more frequently (though not necessarily waking), their mothers actually got MORE sleep than the mother baby pairs sleeping in separate rooms.

As a researcher in SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome), Professor McKenna explains that these small transient arousals may lessen a baby’s susceptibility to some forms of SIDS which are thought to be caused by failure to arouse from deep sleep to re-establish breathing patterns. The babies in his studies who sleep with their mothers also tend to sleep on their backs or sides and less often on their tummies, another factor that could reduce the risk of SIDS. Professor McKenna advises “from an evolutionary and biological perspective, proximity to parental sounds, smells, gases, heat and movement during the night is precisely what the human infant ‘expects’, and in our push for infant independence, we are forgetting that an infant’s biology cannot change quite as quickly as cultural child-care patterns.”

For mothers who enjoy sharing sweet dreams with your baby, the research is affirming - touch and proximity are essential elements of bonding; the hormonal status that enhances bonding is at its most effective during night-time breastfeeding; continued breastfeeding maintains the release of hormones essential for mother-infant bonding, and breastfeeding is more likely to be successful for a longer duration when mothers and infants share sleep.

If, despite the evidence, you are facing criticism (“you will never get him out of your bed!”), take heart, my children are no longer sleeping with me. However, now that they are college age, according to the research, it seems they could well be sleeping with somebody else!

Box – safe co-sleeping

·        Do not sleep with your baby if you are under the influence of any substance such as alcohol or medication (even if prescribed) that could induce a deeper sleep and reduce awareness of your baby (either partner).

·        Do not co-sleep if you are a smoker (either partner).

·        Sleep on a firm, flat surface (not a waterbed, couch or sofa).

·        Keep baby’s head uncovered and do not use doonas, to avoid overheating.

·        If you have long hair, tie it back, and consider that very large breasts or extreme obesity may reduce awareness of your baby’s position.

Best selling author of Sleeping Like a baby and 100 Ways to Calm the Crying,, Pinky McKay is an International Board Certified lactation Consultant, Infant Massage Instructor and mother of five.  

Pinky is offering a teleseminar series ‘The truth about infant sleep – science wisdom and gentle solutions’  with leading international experts in infant sleep. Register for her FREE preview call on 26^th August at   http://www.pinkymckay.com/infantsleep

As well as keeping your baby healthy – so you won’t be using your sick leave to care for her –one very important factor for choosing to breastfeed when you return to work is the special connection you will have with your little one: However competent her carers are, breastfeeding is the one thing only you can do for your baby,

Choosing a carer

To make breastfeeding and working possible from a practical perspective, it is important to choose a carer who is breastfeeding friendly: your carer will need to be motivated to implicitly follow your instructions to store and thaw (if necessary) and feed your milk to your baby. Also, there is nothing worse than arriving with full breasts to pick up your baby, only to find she has just been fed, so do request that your carer considers this. She can either help your baby wait (as long as he isn’t upset) or offer a small amount of milk to ‘tide him over’ (rather than a full feed) if you are on your way home. This will also require close communication on your part – perhaps a call as you leave work with an estimated arrival time. 

Expressing and returning to work

It is wise to start expressing about two weeks before you return to work. This will allow you to become efficient at expressing and store some milk in case you have some ‘low supply’ days when you are back at work. However, please don’t worry if this happens, breastfeeding according to your baby’s cues on your days off will boost your supply again.

What equipment do I need?

To maintain your milk supply, a good quality electric pump is an investment, especially if you buy or hire a pump which expresses both breasts at once as this will shorten the time required to express and also stimulates milk production more effectively.   You will need a private space to express and a fridge or eski with ice packs as well as milk storage bags or containers to store your milk while you are at work.

How much milk does my baby need?

The research shows that from one to six months, breastfed babies take in an average of 750 - 800mls per day (intake doesn’t increase with age or size). This will vary between individual babies but a typical range of breast milk intake is from about 570 mils to 900 mls a day.

So, to estimate how much milk your baby will need each feed, work out about how many feeds your baby has in 24 hours then divide 800 mls by that number. For instance, if your baby has 6 feeds a day, you would make up feeds of 150 mls.

It would also be wise to leave some smaller amounts with your carer - say, about 30 to 50 mls, to offer as a top-up if your baby is thirsty or it is almost time for you to pick her up. Then she will still feed when you arrive and also, your carers won’t waste precious expressed milk by starting another full bottle if your baby is a bit hungrier than usual.

Practically speaking…

At work, it can help to look at a picture of your baby or smell an article of his clothing as you express. Besides expressing at work, other options to maintain a good milk supply include asking for some flexibility so that perhaps you work from home one day mid- week ( and breastfeed as your baby needs) or either go to your baby or have him brought to you by his carer for a feed during your lunch break if this is practical. You will also need to take care that after a weekend of more frequent feeding, you express for comfort to avoid engorgement and the possibility of developing mastitis.

Gaining support at work

Although legally in Australia, your right to breastfeed (or express at work) is protected by the federal Sex Discrimination Act, which prohibits discrimination on the basis of sex, marital status, pregnancy and potential pregnancy, an understanding employer and co workers will make things a lot easier.  If you feel less than assertive about requesting support at work, you can tell your employer that your paediatrician has prescribed breastfeeding for health reasons or to prevent allergic reactions (this isn’t necessarily untrue – your baby may develop health problems or allergies if he is fed formula).  If your co-workers object to human milk in the office fridge (it has happened), store your milk inside a lunch box with your name on - they will be none the wiser!

A question about working and breastfeeding

I have just returned to work full time, and I still want to breastfeed my six month old son. I have been feeding him in the morning, evening and middle of the night, but not during the day. Will I still be able to feed him full time on the weekends? Or will my milk adjust to just feeding in the morning and at night?  I have been expressing once during the day at work, but don’t want to continue as I am finding it difficult at work to express.  Or should I continue to express at work to keep my milk supply up for the weekends?

Ideally, it would be best to continue expressing during the day so that you have breast-milk for your baby to drink while you are at work, until he is eating a variety of other foods. 

Although your milk supply will reflect the amount of milk your baby drinks (or how much you express), if your baby nurses several times during the evening and at night, you should be able to breastfeed as often as you like during the weekend – it is rather like when babies step up feeds if they are feeling unwell and with some extra feeds your supply adjusts quite quickly.

To make expressing easier, a good quality electric pump is invaluable. It can also help to look at a picture of your baby or smell an article of his clothing as you express. However, if expressing at work is very stressful, you could experiment and see what works best for you regarding choosing to express or not. If you do find your supply is affected, you could continue to express and this will increase it again.

Pinky McKay is an International Board Certified Lactation Consultant in private practice and a mother of five breastfed children. She is also the author of  ‘Sleeping Like a baby’, ‘ 100 Ways to Calm the Crying’ and ‘Toddler Tactics’ (Penguin). Pinky also has a comprehensive ebook ‘Breastfeeding Simply’   For Pinky’s free report, ‘ Ten things you MUST know about breastfeeding BEFORE you have your baby,’ visit her website www.pinkymckay.com.au

 Attachment parenting was given its name by US paediatrician William Sears who is renowned for his advocacy of responsive parenting and support of practices that encourage bonding and attachment such as natural birth, breastfeeding, baby wearing and co-sleeping.  The essence of Attachment Parenting is about forming and nurturing strong connections between parents and their children through kindness, respect and dignity. Recommendations are based on the psychology of attachment theory and also recent brain research showing that early responsiveness to infant needs has positive  lifelong effects on social and emotional development.  And, although parents who practice the philosophy of attachment parenting may also embrace practices such as elimination communication (nappy free babies), cloth nappies and home schooling, these options are personal choices, rather than a prerequisite for bonding with your baby. 

The principles of attachment parenting

There is no one-sized –fits- all recipe for an attached (or any other) parenting  style and there is no perfect score for  aspiring attachment parents: having birth interventions or not breastfeeding, for instance, doesn’t exclude you from being a responsive, loving parent.  The organisation,  Attachment Parenting International ( www.attachmentparenting.org) , offers eight principles to help parents understand  and identify their children’s needs so they can become attuned and respond to their littlies with respect and empathy. These  guidelines can be adapted to many family situations and range from  preparing for pregnancy, birth and parenting to practising positive, non -violent discipline .

Preparation for Pregnancy, Birth and Parenting

Although there is a huge influence to get caught up in the material preparation for parenting – planning the nursery, buying baby gear and cute little clothes - it’s important to prepare physically for pregnancy - eat nutritious foods, exercise regularly and avoid stress when possible -and to educate yourself about birth options and parenting philosophies as well as normal infant development. Explore your own beliefs about parenting and set up support networks so that you and your partner can create a peaceful, welcoming environment for your baby.

Feed with Love and Respect

Feeding babies and children is more than simply providing nutritious food. Whether you are meeting the intense hunger needs of a newborn or sharing family mealtimes, this is a time for loving interaction that strengthens connections between parents and littlies: by respecting and responding to your baby’s early cues of rooting, grimacing and sucking that show he needs to suck for food or comfort, you will get to know your baby at an intuitive level, without wondering ‘what kind of cry is that?’ Later, this will transfer to offering healthy foods as your baby signals he is ready and, as he grows, encouraging him to follow his own body signals for hunger and thirst. 

Attachment Parenting International  advises that breast feeding satisfies an infant’s nutritional and emotional needs better than any other method of infant feeding and that nursing is a valuable mothering tool that continues to be normal and important nutritionally, immunologically, and emotionally beyond one year. They also make recommendations for mothers who aren’t breastfeeding to ‘bottle nurse’ by imitating breastfeeding behaviours such as changing sides during feeds and holding your baby while they suck on the bottle or dummy.

Respond with sensitivity

Although there is a lot of pressure to ‘train’ even tiny babies to self soothe or to avoid ‘spoiling’, research shows that baby brains are immature so babies are unable to soothe themselves or to manipulate you.  By putting yourself in your baby’s bootees and responding sensitively to his needs, you are teaching him about trust and empathy and laying  a foundation for healthy relationships. It is normal for newborns to need almost constant holding but the upside is that, by keeping your baby close, you will become attuned to her early signals. This will mean less frustration and distress for both of you as your little one feels safe and secure. Creating a strong attachment to your baby means not only meeting his physical needs but also his emotional needs so it’s important to spend time playing and enjoying him too.

Use nurturing touch

Nurturing touch is as important a nutrient for your baby’s wellbeing as food: touch stimulates growth hormones, improves intellectual and motor development, and helps regulate babies’ temperature, heart rate, and sleep/wake patterns. There is also strong evidence that cultures with high rates of physical affection, touch, holding or carrying, rate low in adult physical violence.

You can incorporate loving touch and meet your baby’s need for physical contact, affection, security, stimulation and movement by ‘wearing’ him in a sling or wrap, cuddling skin to skin, bathing together and massaging your baby.

Ensure safe sleep, physically and emotionally

Attachment is a 24 hour process that doesn’t shut down when your baby sleeps. Your baby needs to have his needs met responsively at night time just as he does during the day. The easiest way to meet your baby’s night time needs is to share sleep with your baby.  This will also support breastfeeding by increasing your milk supply and making night time feeds easier.

You can either ‘co-sleep’ with baby next to your bed or, as long as you and your partner follow safe sleep guidelines (http://www.attachmentparenting.org/support/articles/safesleepguidelines.php) , bed sharing is a  lovely way to stay connected with your baby while he or she sleeps.

Provide Consistent Loving Care

According to Attachment Parenting International, babies and young children have an intense need for the physical presence of a consistent, loving, responsive caregiver: ideally a parent. They advocate creating daily routines that include your baby and avoiding unnecessary or long separations. If neither parent can be a full time carer, it is important to choose a loving, responsive carer who can form a close bond with your child and that you reconnect with cuddles and play after separations from your little one.

Forgot the flashcard saying ’you are being born’?

Don’t have a curriculum beyond cuddles for your 3 month old?

If you are worried your child may be ‘slipping behind’ his peers because you haven’t been providing enough educational enrichment, relax!  New research shows that the most critical factor in helping your baby’s brain development is loving, responsive interactions between you and your baby.

 The good news is that this doesn’t require special equipment, buckets of money or a whole new set of expectations and pressures for busy parents. Although there is a plethora of baby classes and these can be wonderful ‘together’ time for you and your little one, offering lots of ideas for interaction and developing skills, you don’t need to feel guilty that you are depriving your baby if you aren’t filling her week with scheduled activities. 

The loving interaction and sensory experience of your cuddles, touch, eye contact, movement, conversations and ‘just’ playing  with your baby  are hardwiring your little one’s immature brain for emotional and neurological development: as you touch and talk to your child and share eye contact, you stimulate the development of connections between nerve cells in your baby’s brain that will form foundations for thinking, feeling and learning.  This means that as well as preparing your baby’s brain for academic learning, by simply ‘tuning in’ and enjoying your baby, you will also be  supporting the development of structures that enable the capacity for problem solving, self awareness, generosity, kindness and empathy, as well as curiosity, creativity and joy. 

Loving your baby makes you smarter too

As you respond to your baby, you will also develop skills and connections in your own brain that help you understand and meet your baby’s intense needs: evidence is now appearing that suggests the organization of a mother’s brain is also being influenced by interactions with her baby. A neurobiological study of early mammalian mother-infant interactions, published in Nature, entitled “Motherhood improves learning and memory,” reports increased dendritic growth in the mother’s brain. The authors conclude that events in late pregnancy and the early postpartum period may literally reshape your brain, making it more able to accommodate an increasingly demanding environment.

Touch me

Touch is a powerful nutrient for your baby’s development – it is the first sense to develop, just days after conception, and is important for a whole lifetime: it stimulates growth hormones as well as hormones that relieve stress and those that encourage bonding and attachment. Being touched and held by a parent comforts and gives babies a secure place to view the world.  And, if you carry your baby in a sling close to your body, as well as having your own hands free, your baby will also experience movement that will stimulate her vestibular system. This is a series of canals inside the inner ear that, when fluid moves over these, will send messages to her nervous system, encouraging the development of language and balance, which of course are prerequisites for later learning

Look at me

According to neuropsychologist, Dr Alan Schore from the University of California, Los Angeles Department of Psychiatry and Biobehavioral Sciences, David Geffen School of Medicine, and the UCLA Center for Culture, Brain, and Development, your face is the most potent visual stimulus for the growth of your baby’s social and emotional brain.  Margot Sunderland, Director of Education and Training for the Centre for Child Mental Health in London explains, “ face to face conversations between you and your baby and the subsequent release of optimal hormonal levels into your child’s brain will help develop pathways in your child’s higher brain that encourage social intelligence, the ability to form relationships.” Ms Sunderland says, “the ability to ‘light you up’ is the very basis of your baby’s sense of himself as lovely and lovable.”

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Talk to me

Speaking to your baby face to face as well as singing and reading to him will naturally increase his vocabulary and help him learn rhythms of speech. These interactions will also help to fire up the release of hormones such as dopamine that encourages the uptake of glucose by his tiny brain. But please be respectful and take turns with your baby, allowing him to ‘talk’ back and also leave quiet time for reflection.

Breastfeed me

As well as being the optimum nutrition for your baby’s developing brain  - some studies show a ten point advantage for breastfeeding longer than six months – breastfeeding has been shown to increase hand-eye coordination, visual development and language and social skills.  Breastfeeding is also protective against illnesses such as ear infections which have been linked to later learning problems. If you aren’t breastfeeding, of course this doesn’t rule out loving interactions with your baby: offer lots of skin contact and remember to change sides as you feed to stimulate both sides and both of your baby’s eyes.   

Play with me

Studies also show that intimate contact between you and your baby is mutually regulated by the reciprocal activation of your opiate systems. This means that with every interaction between you and your baby, you will both experience elevated levels of beta endorphins –the hormones of pleasure and reward -in your brains. This naturally enhances and encourages playfulness and responsiveness towards your baby. In other words, the more you interact with your baby, the happier you both feel, so the more you want to play!

Tune into me

Being attuned to your baby and responding to his cues helps him regulate himself, to feel safe and to eliminate stress hormones which are toxic to baby brains and affect the development of healthy stress regulation in later life.

Responsive parenting helps develop pathways  between the lower, primitive brain and the frontal lobe region of the brain which will help a child to respond sensitively to others and read social cues, to manage strong emotions such as anger, to be able to think, plan and make choices,

Every loving interaction between you and your baby is sculpting his tiny brain for learning and loving and living joyously.   How easy is that? You are his best toy, his best teacher and the rock of your baby’s world. Love, laugh, enjoy and be present with your baby and you will be doing the very best thing for your child’s development.

“Mummy, he’s got brown hair!”  My (then) ten year old exclaimed as she stood shoulder to shoulder with the midwife, watching her baby brother’s head crown. This time it was my turn to tell her, “ he’s got black hair!” as she gave birth to her own baby son .

I feel so privileged to have been invited and accepted by my daughter and her husband to support them at the birth of their baby – to share not only the birth but the gentle beginning of a new family: My baby grandson was born naturally, without drugs (or stitches), into water with dim lighting and the quiet strains of Tracey Chapman playing in the background. 

 As his tiny head appeared before his body was even birthed, baby Griffin opened his eyes under water and looked around – this was pure magic to his father who was in the bath behind my daughter (and for me! ). Then, with one more push, ‘our’ baby slithered out and ‘swam’ under water, forwards, between my daughter’s legs (she had been leaning against the edge of the bath on her knees as she birthed him) where she scooped him up into her arms.

One of the most beautiful things about being part of this birth experience has been witnessing the depth of love and bonding within the new family and how it allows both parents to unselfishly meet the intense needs of  their newborn: my daughter’s husband is so proud of her courage and strength; she is totally impressed by his support during her labour (he stood for hours in complete silence, hosing her back in the shower) and both of them are utterly besotted with baby Griffin.

My daughter’s birth experience is a far cry from that of most women I work with.  I feel sad that there is so much fear around birth and that so many women feel ‘ripped off’ when it comes to giving birth or that we are so in awe of any birth, but especially a first birth, that is as natural and ecstatic as my daughter’s (although of course, every birth is awesome and each baby a very special miracle!).  

Giving birth is a rite of passage: it is our first step into the unknown for the love of our child. Just as in parenting, because each of us is unique and there are many variables involved, there is no one-sized- fits-all set of instructions that can promise us a perfect outcome or a smooth passage. However, you do need to remember that it is your journey – your body and your baby. Putting yourself ‘under’ the doctor isn’t a recommended birthing position but, by becoming an active, informed participant in your birth experience - by asking questions, understanding your body and how to make birth easier, choosing carers and support people who are respectful and include you in decision making, and a birthplace where you feel safe (baby Griffin was born at Monash Birth Centre in Melbourne) - whatever the outcome, you will learn valuable skills that are transferable to all parts of your life. You will discover strength and a depth of feeling you may never have believed possible. And you will develop reserves of courage that will sustain you later as you are faced with other challenges throughout your parenting journey. 

The truth is, there is no accident about how you feel when your baby calms and dozes in your arms, opening heavy eyelids to meet your gaze then perhaps giving a tiny smile before his eyes fl utter shut again with delicate lashes resting against little pink cheeks, his warm body snuggled next to your own. Nor is it a sign of weakness or indulgence on your part that you can’t resist your baby’s cries to

be soothed to sleep. Rather, it is due to what scientists call the ‘chemistry of attachment’.

This is a massive hormonal upheaval that begins during pregnancy, ensuring that you and your baby are chemically primed to fall in love when you meet each other

face-to-face or rather, skin-to-skin, at birth. It is nature’s insurance that your baby will signal for exactly the care she needs to grow and thrive and that your strong connection with her will help you understand and meet these needs as she adapts to the world outside the womb.

During the last trimester of pregnancy your body brews a cocktail of hormones, and your pituitary gland, which produces this ‘mummy margarita’, doubles in size and

remains enlarged for up to six months postpartum. This means that for as long as six months after your baby is born, your emotional mindset will be irresistibly affected by shifting levels of hormones. This powerful hormonal hangover has such universally intense effects on mothers’ inner lives that it is documented by researchers under a variety of labels including ‘maternal pre-occupation’ and

‘motherhood mindset’. This more intuitive mindset can be quite at odds with our modern lifestyles and often comes as a shock to women who have previously been in a more goal-oriented and solution-focused space prior to having a baby. Now, it seems that control is out the window and logic has left the building, as the skills that used to keep things neat and tidy (literally) are no longer relevant. This

is why the baby instruction manual that advised an efficient program of sleep management seemed so sensible while you were pregnant, but now makes you feel like a failure as neither your baby nor you seem able to slot neatly into the prescribed timetable.

If you can appreciate this new, responsive state as nature’s preparation for creating a synchrony between you and the instinctual world of your newborn, you will

understand why there is such a struggle between the ‘logic’ of sleep training advice and your urge to respond to your baby.

Two of the major players in this magical baby love potion are prolactin, a hormone that promotes milk production and is often referred to as ‘the mothering hormone’ because of its calming effect that is said to make you more responsive to your baby, and oxytocin, also known as the ‘love hormone’. Oxytocin encourages feelings of caring and sensitivity to others and helps us to recognise non-verbal

cues more readily. It is released during social contact as well as during love-making, but the release of oxytocin is especially pronounced with skin-to-skin contact. Oxytocin itself is part of a complex hormonal balance. A sudden

release creates an urge towards loving that can be directed in different ways depending on the presence of other hormones. For example, with a high level of prolactin, the urge to love is directed towards your baby.

Breastfeeding is a powerful enhancer of the effects of these love hormones, which are released by both mothers and babies, who produce their own oxytocin in response to nursing. However, physical contact with your baby will also stimulate the release of oxytocin, so if you are bottle-feeding you can chemically boost the bond with your baby if you ‘bottle nurse’ with cuddles and skin contact, rather

than prop him up to feed (something you should never do, for safety reasons) or hand him to others.

Fathers, too, can succumb to the influence of these love drugs of family (not just baby) bonding (and you thought you were the ‘voice of reason’, didn’t you?). Men’s

bodies are instinctively programmed to respond to their partners’ pheromones, which are steroid hormones made in our skin that emit barely detectable odours. Through closeness with your baby’s mother (and signals from her pheromones), your own oxytocin and prolactin levels rise toward the end of your partner’s pregnancy, and then,when your baby is born, an even greater surge of these

hormones occurs when you spend lots of time holding your baby. And so a self-perpetuating cycle begins – close contact with your baby releases your own oxytocin and prolactin and encourages you to become more involved with your child.

Whichever parent you are – and whether you are an adoptive parent or a same sex partner – the more you connect with your baby through touch, eye contact, smell and talking, the stronger your connection will be and the more difficult you will find it to ignore your baby’s signals. And this is exactly as nature intended.

If you are feeling confused about baby sleep advice, creating ‘bad habits’ or wondering, how can I gently encourage sound sleep? See Pinky’s Baby Sleep Seminars “Sleep, Love and Your Baby’s Brain” . 

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To deal more calmly with interference, it can help to try and see the other person’s perspective. If your mother-in-law seems all too ready to undermine you, it may be a sign that she needs to increase her own self-worth, albeit at your expense. After all, she brought up the partner you love and have a child with so she probably feels some credit is due. At some level, your mother-in-law may be feeling that she has to compete with you for her own child’s love and respect (that is, your partner); your different parenting style may be a threat to the way she brought up your partner (or you, if it is your own mother who is being critical).

On the other hand, Grandma may be genuinely trying to make things easier by sharing her hard-earned knowledge or she may simply want to be more involved with her grandchild. Ultimately, the issue here is not who ‘wins’, but encouraging a positive relationship between your child and their grandparents.

Find common ground: Because your relationship with your child’s grandparents will be an ongoing one, it is important to try and find some common ground. Try asking for Grandma’s opinion on a fairly neutral topic or invite her to be more involved and give her positive feedback. For instance, ‘would you like to give him his bath?’ Or, ‘he loves it when you take him to feed the ducks?’

Stay calm: If you are confronted by unwanted advice, no matter how well-meaning, you can either tell her honestly, but politely, that you feel undermined by her advice or you can simply stay calm: take a deep breath and respond, “this works well for us,” or (baby’s name) feels happy when we….  (whatever you are doing that she is advising against). Another option is to thank Grandma for her tips and say, enthusiastically, “I’ll remember that,” then choose what information suits you and your little one and discard the rest.

Share new information: You might like to share some up to date information with your mother-in-law (or mother) by commenting enthusiastically about a new book you have discovered or perhaps some written information or research that reinforces what you are doing. It will work better to do this pro-actively before she bombards you with out of date information, so she isn’t put in a situation where she feels defensive.

Maintain a united front: If your partner starts to side with his mother against you, it is only natural that you want to cut the apron strings between them – with a very sharp pair of scissors!   But again, the best advice is to remain calm: enlist your partner’s support by telling him how you feel without becoming angry or putting him in a situation that makes him feel he must ‘choose’ between you and his mother.  It is also important to tell your man how much you value his parenting efforts (“You are a great Dad! I love the way you…..), then help him see how vulnerable this criticism makes you feel and how much you need his support so you can be a confident, competent mother.

Agree on what really matters: It can be difficult to stand up to your parents, but if you and your partner can agree on what really matters and you can support each other, you are more likely to succeed in setting boundaries. Sit down together and make a list of what bothers you about each other’s families and decide which issues are worth standing firm on. What you feed your baby or how you choose to discipline your child may be priorities that you won’t compromise, for instance. But if your mother-in-law wants to iron your husband’s shirts ‘properly’ or complains about how you mow the lawns (or don’t), perhaps you could let this one go or share it as a mother-in-law joke. After all you, your partner and child are a family now, and it is time to establish your own values and traditions.

But the young Mother was happy, and she would not believe that anything could be better than these years. So she played with her children, and gathered flowers for them along the way, and bathed with them in the clear streams; and the sun shone on them and life was good, and the young Mother cried, “Nothing will ever be lovelier than this.”

And the morning came, and there was a hill ahead, and the children climbed and grew weary, and the Mother was weary, but at all times she said to the children, “A little patience and we are there.” So the children climbed, and when they reached the top, they said, “We could not have done it without you, Mother.” And the Mother, when she lay down that night, looked at the stars and said: “This is a better day than the last, for my children have learned fortitude in the face of hardness. Yesterday I gave them courage. Today I have given them strength.”

And the next day came strange clouds which darkened the earth–clouds of war and hate and evil, and the children groped and stumbled, and the Mother said: “Look up. Lift your eyes to the Light.” And the children looked and saw above the clouds an Everlasting Glory, and it guided them and brought them beyond the Darkness. And that night the Mother said, “This is the best day of all, for I have shown my children God.”

And the days went on, and the weeks and the months and the years, and the Mother grew old, and she was little and bent. But her children were tall and strong, and walked with courage. And when the way was hard, they helped their Mother, and when the way was rough, they lifted her, for she was as light as a feather; and at last they came to a hill, and beyond the hill they could see a shining road and a golden gate flung wide.

I wish you all a beautiful day of honouring and acknowledgement for the awesome job you do.

 Facing the enemy

Here are some typical ‘child-rearing experts’ and what you can do to handle their unwanted advice.

 Storm Troopers

Their flag is either black or white – no grey areas here. They give direct orders, as in ‘You must/should/shouldn’t . . .’ Don’t let anyone put ‘should’ on you. Make eye contact and stand firm. You don’t need to defend your actions: just try saying, ‘This works well for us.’ If you smile as you respond, they might assume you are a complete twit, which can be a strategic advantage: nobody can argue with a fool, so they’re likely to back off.

Power Rangers

Characterised by ready offers of criticism. They usually need to increase their feelings of self-worth, and do so at your expense.

Take a deep breath and count to ten (slowly). Or pretend you are standing next to a window: imagine opening it and letting the negative comments blow away. If you are exposed to this person on a regular basis, it could help to get into bed with the enemy – so to speak, not literally, of course. Just try to understand where they are coming from.

Include your partner’s name when you respond to a Power Ranger, as in ‘[your partner’s name] and I have decided . . .’ If you are desperate, why not bring out the big guns: ‘My doctor [or other relevant authority] says . . .’

Masters of the Universe

They wish. Often wannabes or has-beens, these are the moralisers – legends in their own lunchbox, though they would prefer a soapbox from which to expound their theories. Sermons are usually general (as in ‘Parents these days . . .’) rather than personal attacks. It’s your choice whether the beret fits. Don’t engage unless well armed (with information) or supported by reinforcements such as a supportive friend or two.

Stealth Brigade

Intelligence-trained, they infiltrate under cover when your guard is down, camouflaging their attack with phrases such as ‘Some mothers have found . . .’ These squads could be delivering useful information, so listen and then develop your own manoeuvres. If you have been ambushed by veiled criticism, try smiling and say (with enthusiasm) ‘Thanks, I’ll remember that!’

There is some new research about to be presented that advises controlled crying is not harmful. Before you all jump up and down and, with all respect to the researchers, the newspapers made claims that need some sifting through.

Firstly, according to the media reports, after 4 months, 30% of babies slept better.  In my reckoning, this means that not only did 70% of babies not do any better after controlled crying but I would be considering that any improvement would at least in part be developmental. Babies undergo a lot of development in four months and many babies would simply have a better capacity ( larger stomachs, more developed brains) to sleep longer.

Another claim was that parents claimed they had better relationships with their child after controlled crying – these babies are now 6 years old and the research regarding relationships with parents was defined by questionaires filled out by parents themselves. I would expect most parents who voluntarily took part in such a trial would answer questions in a socially acceptable way. There are also many variables that affect a chlld’s development and their family relationships.

There  are other research studies into factors such as early skin to skin contact with babies that are measured by video recordings of parent/child interaction then assessed by independent observers – to me this is a more accurate and objective way to measure such an important aspect of development. By the way, early skin to skin contact DOES enhance parent/infant relationships and development even in the face of early separation.

You can see I am not convinced that there is proof of no harm (this is different from ‘no proof of harm’) in leaving babies to cry. However I would also like to mention that the babies in this study were all over 6 months, that parents were allowed to respond to babies – not ‘forced’ to leave babies for mandatory lengths of time regardless of the babies’ distress.  Even though I personally wouldn’t/ couldn’t leave any baby to cry in order to ‘teach’ it to sleep, my ‘beef’ is not with the researchers but with the media: my greatest concern about the media hype is that more and more parents will be pressured by family, friends and onlookers that, as the headlines claim, it is actually positive to leave even tiny babies to ‘self settle’ which invariably means letting them cry themselves to sleep, often for long periods of time.   

 If your baby needs help to settle it means he needs YOU. If your baby is excessively wakeful (if this is a problem to YOU, not onlookers), it means the reasons for waking need investigating, not a one size fits all baby training program. This could mean a check by a health professional, changes in your own diet or tweaking of the sleep environment. It may also mean simply waiting for your baby to mature a little, as babies and toddlers often become unsettled as they reach new developmental milestones.  Whatever the reasons for your baby waking or not ‘self settling’ it is worth remembering, you are the grown up here, your baby is the small vulnerable person who can’t meet his own needs: do you enjoy a cuddle at bedtime? Do you ever wake from a scary dream and need a little reassurance? Do you find it difficult to wind down and sleep after a busy day?  Do you sometimes need a sip of water in the night? Do you ever fall asleep snuggled up to your partner only to be woken by him or her saying, “wake up ! This is a bad habit – get on your own side of the bed and self settle!”   

Although we all need sleep, it shouldn’t be at the expense of babies’ well-being. Instead of perpetuating unrealistic expectations of tiny babies, perhaps we also need to consider  this quote  from US lactation consultant Kittie Franz, “ you are raising a human being, not managing an inconvenience.”

Enjoy those precious moonlight baby cuddles, and remember  the ‘mummy mantra’ for when the going gets tough, ‘this too shall pass.’ I promise it will –all too soon!

If you are worried about your baby’s sleep, see my book ‘Sleeping Like a Baby’ and for more information about infant sleep and controlled crying, check out these articles on my website.