‘I knew I’d be a perfect mother. And my perfect baby would be a credit to my perfect mothering. I knew, too, that I would never ‘let myself go’ – that I would always be immaculately groomed and, eventually, surrounded by a whole family of perfectly clean, perfectly behaved children and a perfectly adoring husband in a gleaming, perfectly sparkling home.
‘Alas, I wasn’t like the TV mothers…..
Today, I was called to advocate in court (in my capacity as an International Board Certified Lactation Consultant) for an illiterate migrant woman who had her breastfed baby removed to foster care whilst a patient in a psychiatric ward.
You have two choices when your baby cries: to respond, or to ignore the cries. By responding, you are not only teaching your to love, you too are learning about the greatest love of all -unconditional love: you are accepting the child in your arms just the way he is. There are many points along the continuum of parenthood when it is easy to wish our child was just a little (or a lot) more ‘this’ or ‘that’ (easier in some way, depending on our definition of ‘easy’ or our child’s fit with our own personality and expectations….
‘We’ll meet at the pool,’ they said. ‘Bring your bathers.’
They were twenty-something mums. I was a forty-something mum with a ‘bonus baby’ (the baby you have when your other ones are big enough to tie their own shoelaces, run their own baths or even drive their own cars).
I used to be a twenty-something mum. I used to spend most of the summer at the pool with my other babies. Then, ‘forty-something’ meant kilos to me. With a bikini top nicely rounded out by lactating bosoms, I didn’t have a body image problem….
Advice, whether it is appropriate or not can create a serious obsession about the simplest things when it concerns your baby’s well-being, especially in the early months when your hormones are rampant and everyone else seems to want to share their opinion…
Attunement is a word that sounds like what it is - tuning in to your baby. The essential bit about attunement is that you need to always be doing a scan of yourself, trying to calm yourself and asking yourself, “Am I tuning in to me, or am I tuning in to my baby? Am I tuning in to advice I’ve had?”
The bonus baby was sound asleep. We fetched the trampoline that had been hidden in the neighbours’ garage for weeks waiting for us to assemble it in time for our youngest child’s Christmas morning surprise. But our anticipation was short-lived: when we opened the box and stacked up bars, nuts and bolts, we discovered there was no mat. Because it was such a big present we hadn’t bought any other toys and there was absolutely nothing of the older kids’ stuff (they were all teenagers) that would be appropriate to share. It was so late by now that every single shop, even the milk bars, had closed for the holidays……..
What could be more affirming to a woman’s confidence than gazing into the deep navy blue eyes of her newborn, knowing that everything he needs comes from her – security in her arms as he drinks in her smell, her loving gaze and her milk?
Conversely, a new mother’s self- confidence can be so easily undermined as well-meaning voices suggest, “ are you sure you have enough milk?”
“We were out for dinner with friends, when she leaned across to him and said, “what would Daddy like to drink?” Jenna, now a mum of a toddler recalls, “this was before we had children of our own and I clearly remember my partner and I were mortified that our friends’ relationship had been reduced [...]
“We were friends for about five years before we had babies -we worked together and at weekends we partied together. Later, we spent holidays together with our respective partners. Then we had children…..
